Demons and Regrets

Currently listening to: Woe is Me - Number[s], Swollen Members - Beautiful Death Machine
Currently playing: Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, Black Ops 2, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Scribblenauts Unlimited

Usually I blog with an idea in mind, or some sort of theme or whatever. This time it's just a spur of the moment word dump. Forgive me if I'm unclear, rambling or generally using poor grammar.

With that said, this week Ive been forced into numerous confrontations with people close to me. As much as I admire change and think the world and people should change if they feel the need to, sometimes I just can't see the end result being a positive thing. When it's people close to me I tend to voice my opinion, and I have a demanding voice at times. I was being an unreasonable person, and I felt some emotions I hadn't felt in quite a few years. Anger, Fear, Sorrow.

Now let me elaborate on this for a second. Most people would be telling me feeling emotions are good, and I should open up in that department. Here's the thing. My father to my knowledge til I was almost an adult, I thought was completely devoid of emotion, besides anger. I saw him as supreme strength and rock solid power, no weaknesses, his very existence frightened me. A man that rarely showed anything but a scowl and dished out discipline had to be the way a true strong man was. I grew up thinking that showing tears or excitement was a weakness.

Fast forward to me now. I rarely show any emotions, and its not a tough guy act, or some bullshit attempt at being badass. Its how I am. Takes people some time to see me for what I am.
I don't cry, people die, I don't cry.
I never get overly angry, until recently.
I fear nothing in this world or the next. I'm not afraid of death, curious about the other side, but nothing to fear. No man on this planet scares me after all the fights Ive been in. I don't have fear, until recently.

I'm not particularly proud of my past. Some people would think the things I did sound badass or awesome, but to me they were a means to survive and keep my foolish pride intact. The people I met, the groups I got involved with, none were good ideas, and I regret nothing, but some days I cant help but wonder what would it be like if I hadn't scarred my hands up for a loaf of bread, or became a thief, or learned the dark side of computers and whatnot. If I had given the RIGHT girl my time and effort. If I had found my religion earlier, if I wasn't so obsessed with death, and life, and wasn't angry for things no one can control or change.

I would've been a better son, I would've given back to the younger generation, I would've spent more time with my now deceased elders. I would've walked the righteous path, I would've stayed fighting, and saved my money, I would've stopped drinking and avoided drugs. I would've been more disciplined with my music. I would've continued to seek guidance from an old man in my life that was like a teacher to me. Once again I regret nothing, but sometimes these thoughts like demons come back to me and haunt me, until I can force them out and destroy the thoughts with positive ones.

I won't admit to alot on this blog, since none of my past is anyone's concern, but I will admit this; I have felt such an overpowering rage this week, from a clouded mind, and fueled by fear and panic, that at times I had to physically stop myself from smashing walls, throwing things, and possibly hurting people I love. This was the demon my father fought with, and it was passed down to me. I use techniques and mantras of the Buddhist faith to quickly regain control of my anger. It gets hard, but I haven't done much damage to my life besides alot of yelling and possibly hurting feelings of both them and myself, after such a massive and intense anger, I was filled with sorrow, depression, not regret, but the demon had gained ground. It had broken out of its prison. A prison all of man possesses. Demons we all have. I love my important people, and I wish to be their armor, not their source of fear and pain.

I have been told by numerous people, throughout different phases of my life, that I am intimidating, both in looks and presence, I know how they feel, my father had the same effect on me. I was nicknamed the Demon in Muay Thai, but I just thought it was badass, but people say its what I am. What they feel from me, a disturbing aura. Even if I'm smiling and laughing and the most calm and serene person in the world, its always there and people know it. Even the ones who love me the most say they are afraid of me at the same time. Its hard to hear such things, but it is what it is.

I moved here. To get away from the groups and the drinking and the people I known. To get away from my shame and my past mistakes, to get away from the drugs and alcohol, to cleanse my mind and soul, hard work, and nature. But when the demons are following me here, when they take residence inside my heart and soul and are there for me to battle day in and day out, I wonder how much will power and vitality I have to endure the fight.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that, I had fought hard to change, and I don't like my past self resurfacing making my current self feel like that. I need to re-align my chakras, I need to suppress these demons and imprison them forever, I need to become stronger and a better version of me. If everyone in the world had gone on personal journeys to better themselves in different ways, humanity might have a shot against their eventual demise.