Septembre Arte

September.

Out of all the months in my life September always offers something good and something bad. Every year it has its intoxicating high, and it's diabolical low. The best things to happen in September in recent years include, Steady, Chantell, and CJ's birthdays every year. I love these people and always make sure I go out of my way to wish them a special day, and give them some words of wisdom. The most important of all the September highs are a) My uncle Duck got married in this month 2 years ago, and b) I started my physical in person relationship with Heather.

I love my girlfriend, I really do, and would give the world for her, she has my heart and I'm her armor. Tied in to the highs are usually lows. A few big ones are: Broke up with my then girlfriend Chantell of 4 years, it hurt but time heals all wounds and in hindsight it was probably the best thing for both of us. So its not really a bad thing I guess. This month though...

Kitten has been gone for the duration of the month. I missed CJ's birthday due to my Lil trip to Ontario (Told below this entry) Chantell's birthday is also conveniently the same day as me and Kitten's anniversary, which we were apart for. That hurt like hell, but that's life. I took it like a man, and have no quarrels with the hands that fate deals me. I made an email for Steady's birthday (a day late) other than that.

I miss my girlfriend more than I can remember missing anyone. She's getting sicker, I'm getting worried. She's always tired and in pain. I want to take it all in and away from her. I would suffer to take it from her body into mine. Physical pain is nothing when compared to the mental scars that can occur in the name of love. This woman is on the same plateau as my mother. One gave me life, and the other gives me a reason to live that life.

When she cries, my seasoned, battle hardened heart breaks. When people cause her pain, I want to use all my strength to smash through them, and destroy them without the understanding. When she's happy and laughing, I always hope I'm the reason she feels that way, and to make her feel good in any and every way is my greatest point of pride. I truly believe she is beautiful in every way. Super intelligent, understands me better than most, deep. My perfect companion, she is everything I'm not but wish I was. Inner strength? No one even compares to this woman.

No one.

Since she is not with me in a physical sense, I have noticed how empty my free time really is, so instead of sitting here and wallowing in self pity, I do what I always do when I'm alone and feeling full of sorrow.

Art.

My guitar and pencils have come to life in ways I haven't seen since I was in high school. My solo project still has life in it, and I'm feeling it in a new way. Direction, passion, a reason to sing and play strings without thinking. True divine artistic presence. Millions of visuals, few drawn. Poetry spoken from the tongue of a heretic, but written like it was words of a god. I'm slowly combining all these mediums into one collaboration named, Black Orpheus

MMA is on the back burner. I still train and take my health and body very seriously, but I have let my mind wander and become dull, and for that I beg for its forgiveness, and ask it to open its doors to the chambers of my artistic visions that were locked away. There was a time when I thought the wonderful woman I love was the death of the artist in me. Now I see through much pain and torment, that she comforts the artist in me, and is inspiration.

The reason I'm the best version of me, is not only because I'm mentally sharp and my will is strong. Its because she is my support. She makes me want to be that man way up there on the plateau higher than the rest, better than the rest. I strive to attain that place everyday. I need to learn to cater to all of my callings in life, be it fighting, art, music, video games, or love. Balance is the key to a healthy life. To let one take over the other is to lose sense of yourself. September, I'm happy to see you leave again for the year, although it was a miserable month. It also restored me to the man I was once, and to the potential man I will become in the future.

September.

Heart Over Mind

What a tale my life will serve after I'm dead.

Lately in the last month, nothing good has happened for me, the love of my life went back to the place she hates the most, to help her family move on and accomplish some much needed separation. In the course of the visit, things didn't work out the way they would if we were in a movie, although the drama is about the same level. After much unneeded bullshit, it ended up being a waste of my money, and a waste of her time.
She was all ready to come home, and leave the ordeal behind her, when fate, much like it does, had a change of heart in the matter, and some tragedy struck on such an epic level, I won't even mention it here or anywhere else for that matter. ONE DAY away from being reunited and resuming our much loved quiet life out here. I suppose that's life.

Days turned into weeks, and no contact from her, due to her dedication to the situation, admirable, yet made me uneasy not talking for a week at a time. After a week of not sleeping and not eating (I lost 20 pounds) I decided to ask come close friends that live in the region for help. My efforts were wasted however, since no one replied before I took matters into my own hand.
Using the Internet, I was able to track my bank statements, and draw up a map of the city she was in, knowing what I did know, I loaded up mapquest, and did somewhat 4 hours of research about my best options on where she could be. So I made notes on the information, notified work, got on the bus and ventured 35+ hours East to her hometown. Had never been there before it was all up to me and my abilities.

This marked not only my dedication to another human that was unprecedented, but the FIRST time in my 23 years of life, that I used my heart to make a decision and not my mind. Which in hindsight, was a poor choice. On paper it didnt look good. I was going to a place Ive never been before, to find someone that I had no idea where she was, in a hostile enviroment, with no place to stay overnight. Yet my heart yearned me to press forward in this matter.

So off I went. My venture east starts in Brandon MB. My friend Beaver drove me to Brandon, I left at 7pm on a Sunday.

Brandon, MB: 7:20pm---->Winnipeg MB: 9:45pm
Sat next to a pretty cool guy, he was about my age, and is from Thompson MB (About 8 hours north of Winnipeg) Was working as a carpenter in Brandon for a month while he was visiting him girlfriend. We exchanged job info. He knew alot about the cities in the East, so I asked him all I could think of that would help me. Most of the trip was spent in our respective music players though. At the terminal in Winnipeg, we hung out a bit, then when his bus was ready we shook hands, stated our names, and went our separate ways.

Winnipeg, MB: 10:15pm---> Kenora, ON:12:35am (Monday)
I got on the bus that was headed for Toronto, Sat behind some guy who will come into play a lil later on, to my dissapointment a really husky guy about my age asked if he could sit next to me 'If you have to' is all I replied. This guy was broad, tan skinned, but actually quite an intelligent and gentle person. Wasting no time on introductions he stated his name before asking for mine, which is the right way of doing things. Maki was his name, I replied with 'Jay' he asked where I was going, and was amazed at how far I would be traveling. He asked who the girl was as I was looking at pictures of Kitten in whatever light the moon produced. I told him a lil bit of my situation, and he listened, and even gave quite the philosophical points on my situation, and even life in general. Quite the deep person, with ideals I had never heard before, but might adopt someday. His stop was Kenora, which was favourable, since it was crammed between the two of us. For the rest of the night I tried to get as much sleep as I can, which isnt as easy as it used to be for me...

Kenora, ON: 12:50am (Monday)---->Thunder Bay, ON: 7:55am
Thunder Bay, ON: 8:55am--->Schreiber, ON: 11:25am
Schreiber, ON: 11:40am-->Sault Ste.Marie, ON: 6:50pm
Sault Ste.Marie, ON: 7:30pm-->Sudbury, ON: 11:50pm
Sudbury, ON:12:50am (Tuesday)---> Toronto, ON: 5:50am

Arrived in Thunder Bay, lots of rocky terrain, lots of water. Quite beautiful. In the Bay I had a 1 hour layover. This time more people got on, and it seemed like I would have another person to talk to *sigh* The guy I sat behind from Winnipeg to Thunder Bay ended up sitting beside me. Again about my age. I ended up sitting next to him for about the rest of my trip. He seemed nice, and was coming from Calgary, going back to Oshawa. Other than that, he read the bible alot, but after some extensive conversation, it was an odd fit. I spent most of the time in my headphones and only played my DS for about an hour. ALSO lil side note? Some TERRIBLE mother and her 3 kids sat next to us for like the whole trip as well. She let these tiny kids take about 3-4 sections at a time, so about 6-8 seats, as the entire bus is having to double up for the most part, these tiny kids, are taking the entire section? What a bitch. She always left them alone on the bus as she went to smoke, or eat, or whatever the fuck she was doing, the bus driver finally called her on it, and made her look like an ass. Loud, annoying, and making it so Im crammed. Didnt do much for my mood. Didnt eat much, and I only got a a double seat at Sudbury to Toronto. So yeah a whole 5 hours to try and sleep.

Toronto, ON:6:15am---->Hamilton, ON: 7:40am Tuesday

I arrived in the rainy streets of Toronto, was quite cold and could see my breath, so I went into the terminal to warm up. Not quite. The terminal at 5am was colder than in the rain outside. and Since it didn't offer any services, I checked the 2 times to leave to Hamilton, one was at 6:15 one was at 8:30, I opted for the earlier one, since sitting in that cold terminal didn't appeal to me, and Ive been on this bus for so long, I just wanted to get to Hamilton and see my girlfriend. I closed my eyes on the bus and must've dozed off, cause when I came to, the bus driver was speaking into the intercom 'Hamilton, Last call for Hamilton' I immediately jumped up and grabbed my bag and ran off the bus, last thing I need is to end up in London, ON.

Lil bit disoriented, I ran in the terminal and asked the lady if this was indeed Hamilton, and not some part of Toronto with the same name, (Since we had stopped at Yorkdale terminal before departing) I was there. Hamilton Ontario. Finally.

Time to get to work.

I pulled my datasheet out of my pack pocket, and walked out the front doors, located a taxi driver, and told him to take me to Henderson General Hospital which I had thought was the one due to my reconnaissance work on the Internet . I guess the Islamic fellow misheard me and took me to Hamilton General Hospital which I had no idea until asking for someone in the hospital. The desk lady checked records, checked the last name, and even checked other hospitals databases with no luck. I thanked her for her help, she gave me a list of addresses and phone numbers that matched my own except for a few ones I missed.
I headed out the door hoping for my taxi to be there, but there was a new one, and the man was quite rude at first. told me that if I didn't call for the taxi, he shouldn't be taking me, after flashing about $800 in cash, he was happy to oblige. He too was Islamic or Muslim with a heavy accent. I could make it out though. I told him to take me to...and I started doing one place at a time, each place I went? No one heard of the name, and forwarded me to another place. After about the 2nd stop the taxi driver asked me about my mission, I told him scarce details, like to mind his business and just keep taking me places. Eventually he got it out of me, and after that, he was cutting me deals on fare, and was following me into the places, I guess he was genuinely concerned for me, he gave me his cell phone number and told me, if I needed anything to call him, and he would help. I thanked him, and continued my mission, 7 stops later. No luck. After about $150 on taxi fare, I was out of ideas.
Jas (the driver) suggested I go to the police station, and see if they could find her. I refused though. I had him take me back to the bus depot, and said my farewell.

Now what? I thought. Do I wander around the city for 3 days and 2 nights, hoping SOMEONE recognizes me? that could be bad since I know some nemesis like people knew I was coming. I decided I had to cut my loss, and go back home...after a few hours of being there, I seemed to give up, and that hurt me inside, that I would go all that way, and end up giving in so easily.
I had about 40 mins before the bus back to Toronto. I decided to stock up on supplies maybe find some food. I walked around the streets. Nice place. The taxi tour was enlightening as well. During my 20 minute walk I accomplished 2 things: a) I got offered a job working with steel at a damn good wage for starting. I took the guys info, and gave him my name (In case moving was an option) and b) I beat up a bum. He pestered me for money, told him I had none, and put my head in my MP3 player, a block or so passed, and I could hear someone yelling between songs. I looked back and the bum was following me, and talking some nonsense, like he knew I had money, he could hear change in my pocket, and that I didn't know what a hard life was...

My eyes went dark.

In my head, the past month of pain, worry, malnourishment, and paranoia flash backed, how hard was my life? not as bad as his probably. But I just spent 35+ hours on a bus and had failed in the point I came here. I proceeded to tell the bum he doesn't know who he was trying to get money from, and if I could spare some after I go eat Ill give him some. I guess he thought to just rob me.
He grabbed at my arm, and in that one brief moment, I let the darkness out of my heart and mind, and gripped the back of his head and neck, smiled, and layed a knee so hard into the bottom of his ribs, he crumpled to the sidewalk and didn't move. Amazed I still had the strength and precision striking that won me my first Muay Thai championship half a decade ago, especially after not eating or training for about 2 weeks prior. I felt light headed so I left the poor beggar where he lie, and went to find food. Nothing.

Dismayed I went back to the bus station got on the bus 3 days ahead of what my ticket said(no one questioned it), and took my leave of Eastern Canada. The trip back was uneventful, sat next to a quiet girl, and for the last half a stinky old man, who was always scratching at something under his shirt. Very disgusting, and I got him at 2 transfers. Depressed and full of questions, I just looked at the hills, lakes, moon, and sunrise.

Turns out I called the leave time wrong since I arrived into Winnipeg at about 10pm, and tried to phone Beaver from Winnipeg to come get me in Brandon at 2am, no such luck...My ticket only went to Brandon, and the station wasn't open at 2am to buy a ticket to Regina...I quickly called Beaver on the 10 minute layover when I had arrived in Brandon. He had no gas, so he couldn't come get me. So what does someone like me with thief-like abilities and moral do? Sneak back on the bus back to my seat, throw my hat low, and look like I was sleeping. Luckily the bus driver had lots of work to do at the Brandon station and was late getting back on the bus. He didn't bother counting heads at 2am. I got my free ride to Regina..got in at 6am, and waited in the terminal until Beaver came and got me at 11:30am, we hung in Regina, bought some stuff at the mall, got stoned on the way home, and told him this long tale.

Turns out the person I was looking for got moved during my long venture out to Eastern Canada. All a waste I guess.
Eastern Canada is too big as well.
Moral of this story? Listening to my heart isn't my style. I love my friends and family, but I help them and myself with my mind not my heart.