I am not a death fearing man. Never in my life have I questioned why people die, or how they die. I believe that when it is my turn, I shall be judged on the quality of the life I lived. However I do not loathe life either. I love being alive, but I have no fear or regrets if death comes knocking on my doorstep.
Until now.
I'm going to be a father soon, to a child that has the potential to do great things in this world. Not saying I had nothing to live for before, but with this child in my life, I have a reason to pass on my knowledge, my beliefs, my views on life. I don't want to miss a second of this child's life, I want to be the father that was around, and taught the child right from wrong. Teach him to fight, but never to fight. Teach him to love and respect women above all else. Teach him to believe in his friends and fight for those who are deemed important to him. Reversely if I am blessed with a little girl. I want Kitten to teach her the way to be a woman, to respect herself, and believe in herself. Not to be some guys doormat, or think that a woman should just be a sex object to amuse men. I want to be my daughter's armor and my son's strength. I want them to love and respect me, not fear and hide from me.
Morale of this blog is that I have changed in leaps and bounds from the time I spent alone 5 years ago. If you hung out with me in 2004, and you saw me now, you wouldn't believe its the same person. As much as I would like to credit myself with this transformation, there is one person responsible for how I am, good or bad.
Kitten.
My beautiful girlfriend, her intelligence, compassion, and everlasting love were the keys to my change. I had a reason to love again. I had a reason to try and be a better version of myself, no longer the angry, bitter, cynical and constantly depressed person I was, always searching for an answer to my life. Studying things that I thought would lead me to enlightenment. Religions, idealists, medical studies, nothing seemed to appease what I was looking for. I ruled out love, since in the past it had only made me miserable and the reason I was so cold to everyone and everything in my life. But she changed that. Single handed, with no help, she melted my icy heart, and called it her own. My friends might not understand or appreciate the things she's done for me and for them, but my mother cried when she saw the changes. She was so happy that I was actually talking to my family and my father like I loved them, opposed from telling them to just stay out of my life, and not to worry about me.
If she can change a monster like me, into someone that people love and respect, then I know as the mother of my child. She can raise and teach him or her anything. I know in my heart that Kitten is going to be an amazing mother, much like the woman who bore me into this world.
I'm tired of being labeled as a bad boyfriend, or people who think I'm some asshole who takes her for granted. So from today on, I shall change on my own again. To be an even better version of myself for her, for my child, for my family, and more importantly for me.
So I can look at myself in the mirror and know in my heart and mind, that I cant do any better, but will continue to try.
Call me arrogant, but I am that good at everything. I AM that intelligent. I AM that strong willed that if I cant change the world, I can change yours at least. I can be the man that everyone thinks I cant be. and I will, Ill overcome all the obstacles in my way, be it personal or a person. If you stand in my way to being a good father or husband, watch out. You WILL lose.
Because when it comes to my important people, people I would die without. people I have given my heart and soul to, no one stands in my way in making them happy.
No one.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Endure
I have been told that I am a strong person. Strong minded, strong willed, with a strong heart.
I have also been told that I got that strength from life experiences that in turn have made me cold.
I don't know how I got all the inner strength I use day to day and to endure hardships. Sometimes I doubt the stamina of that said strength. I go through alot of pain and hardships when it comes to relationships. Both romantic or platonic.
With each passing year the trials endure. From loneliness to accusations, even as far as ungrateful people, using me as they see fit. No matter how cold, and how much I don't take shit from people. I have a soft spot for a few chosen people, that I love no matter how much I have to go through to be with them. I use all this inner strength to help those people. Never to profit from it in my own selfish ways. I fight for those who can't, come up with solutions to the hardest problems for those who can't figure it out, and I will starve myself and deny myself simple luxuries in order to provide for those who can't provide for themselves.
No matter how hard I try, and how perfect of a person I am to everyone. In the end they all either leave me at my lowest, or find small Lil trivial things to complain about. I always am quick to apologize and then re-evaluate my life, to match the needs of the ones around me. Nothing I do seems good enough.
Now if a person of this caliber of intelligence, inner strength, and kindness, isn't good enough for someone to not take for granted, then there is no good left in the world. I know that humanity is a lost race, we have fallen so far which each new generation, but I try and take the advice from my elders, and portray it in my life, so others will too. I try and make people better versions of themselves, so they don't have to be dependant on me.
I don't want people to depend on me, but I don't want people to outright ignore me either. A simple 'thank you' or credit where credit is due, is all the glory I need to make it seem like I actually made a difference in a life.
Perfect idea would be my birthday this year. As soon as I want something for myself. It's beyond my grasp, and to ask for it or in some way, insinuate I want it the most, is me being selfish and who am I to want what I want? This year instead of spending the day with the people I love the most. I have to go work in the shop for minimum wage so when the important people come home, they have food, and a roof over their head.
Step back and look at it, I would like to think that these people actually NEED me, but alas I know that they all have other options should I fail to provide and be this pillar of strength I have been made out to be. What if my strength has faded? What if I need help from the people I have fought and died for all these years? ...silence...
Why am I always alone, when I ever want is the simplest of things? I want the person I love the most back. That is all.
...Endure...
Of course, I will endure, and try harder, and dig deeper, until I find that allotted strength required to make sure everyone can maintain what THEY want. I will endure hell, I will conquer hell, and when it is all said and done, and I have done everything imaginable for everyone. I will be alone, because the answer has been simple this entire time.
I'm not capable of bringing anyone true happiness. The mystery isn't so mysterious. No one will stay with someone who has spent his life running after everyone else and making sure their drink is topped off. They want the guy who took the bottle and left the rest to die of thirst.
I have also been told that I got that strength from life experiences that in turn have made me cold.
I don't know how I got all the inner strength I use day to day and to endure hardships. Sometimes I doubt the stamina of that said strength. I go through alot of pain and hardships when it comes to relationships. Both romantic or platonic.
With each passing year the trials endure. From loneliness to accusations, even as far as ungrateful people, using me as they see fit. No matter how cold, and how much I don't take shit from people. I have a soft spot for a few chosen people, that I love no matter how much I have to go through to be with them. I use all this inner strength to help those people. Never to profit from it in my own selfish ways. I fight for those who can't, come up with solutions to the hardest problems for those who can't figure it out, and I will starve myself and deny myself simple luxuries in order to provide for those who can't provide for themselves.
No matter how hard I try, and how perfect of a person I am to everyone. In the end they all either leave me at my lowest, or find small Lil trivial things to complain about. I always am quick to apologize and then re-evaluate my life, to match the needs of the ones around me. Nothing I do seems good enough.
Now if a person of this caliber of intelligence, inner strength, and kindness, isn't good enough for someone to not take for granted, then there is no good left in the world. I know that humanity is a lost race, we have fallen so far which each new generation, but I try and take the advice from my elders, and portray it in my life, so others will too. I try and make people better versions of themselves, so they don't have to be dependant on me.
I don't want people to depend on me, but I don't want people to outright ignore me either. A simple 'thank you' or credit where credit is due, is all the glory I need to make it seem like I actually made a difference in a life.
Perfect idea would be my birthday this year. As soon as I want something for myself. It's beyond my grasp, and to ask for it or in some way, insinuate I want it the most, is me being selfish and who am I to want what I want? This year instead of spending the day with the people I love the most. I have to go work in the shop for minimum wage so when the important people come home, they have food, and a roof over their head.
Step back and look at it, I would like to think that these people actually NEED me, but alas I know that they all have other options should I fail to provide and be this pillar of strength I have been made out to be. What if my strength has faded? What if I need help from the people I have fought and died for all these years? ...silence...
Why am I always alone, when I ever want is the simplest of things? I want the person I love the most back. That is all.
...Endure...
Of course, I will endure, and try harder, and dig deeper, until I find that allotted strength required to make sure everyone can maintain what THEY want. I will endure hell, I will conquer hell, and when it is all said and done, and I have done everything imaginable for everyone. I will be alone, because the answer has been simple this entire time.
I'm not capable of bringing anyone true happiness. The mystery isn't so mysterious. No one will stay with someone who has spent his life running after everyone else and making sure their drink is topped off. They want the guy who took the bottle and left the rest to die of thirst.
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