Endure

I have been told that I am a strong person. Strong minded, strong willed, with a strong heart.
I have also been told that I got that strength from life experiences that in turn have made me cold.
I don't know how I got all the inner strength I use day to day and to endure hardships. Sometimes I doubt the stamina of that said strength. I go through alot of pain and hardships when it comes to relationships. Both romantic or platonic.

With each passing year the trials endure. From loneliness to accusations, even as far as ungrateful people, using me as they see fit. No matter how cold, and how much I don't take shit from people. I have a soft spot for a few chosen people, that I love no matter how much I have to go through to be with them. I use all this inner strength to help those people. Never to profit from it in my own selfish ways. I fight for those who can't, come up with solutions to the hardest problems for those who can't figure it out, and I will starve myself and deny myself simple luxuries in order to provide for those who can't provide for themselves.

No matter how hard I try, and how perfect of a person I am to everyone. In the end they all either leave me at my lowest, or find small Lil trivial things to complain about. I always am quick to apologize and then re-evaluate my life, to match the needs of the ones around me. Nothing I do seems good enough.
Now if a person of this caliber of intelligence, inner strength, and kindness, isn't good enough for someone to not take for granted, then there is no good left in the world. I know that humanity is a lost race, we have fallen so far which each new generation, but I try and take the advice from my elders, and portray it in my life, so others will too. I try and make people better versions of themselves, so they don't have to be dependant on me.

I don't want people to depend on me, but I don't want people to outright ignore me either. A simple 'thank you' or credit where credit is due, is all the glory I need to make it seem like I actually made a difference in a life.
Perfect idea would be my birthday this year. As soon as I want something for myself. It's beyond my grasp, and to ask for it or in some way, insinuate I want it the most, is me being selfish and who am I to want what I want? This year instead of spending the day with the people I love the most. I have to go work in the shop for minimum wage so when the important people come home, they have food, and a roof over their head.

Step back and look at it, I would like to think that these people actually NEED me, but alas I know that they all have other options should I fail to provide and be this pillar of strength I have been made out to be. What if my strength has faded? What if I need help from the people I have fought and died for all these years? ...silence...

Why am I always alone, when I ever want is the simplest of things? I want the person I love the most back. That is all.

...Endure...

Of course, I will endure, and try harder, and dig deeper, until I find that allotted strength required to make sure everyone can maintain what THEY want. I will endure hell, I will conquer hell, and when it is all said and done, and I have done everything imaginable for everyone. I will be alone, because the answer has been simple this entire time.

I'm not capable of bringing anyone true happiness. The mystery isn't so mysterious. No one will stay with someone who has spent his life running after everyone else and making sure their drink is topped off. They want the guy who took the bottle and left the rest to die of thirst.