Currently listening to: Tech N9ne - Something Else, Trivium - Vengeance
Currently playing: Wind Waker HD, Assassin's Creed IV, Killzone:Shadow Fall, Battlefield 4, Mario 3D World.
First of all it has been a very long time since I updated this blog, don't get me wrong, Ive thought about it, wanted to, but nothing seemed worth putting down in digital ink and paper. In saying that its not that my life has been boring or monotonous, quite the opposite in fact.
Around June I switched careers from rig moving and boom truck apprenticeship, to Drilling Rig Waste Management. Short story of the switch is more money, and I work with one of my best friends so its been pretty great so far. My new boss is probably the best guy Ive ever worked for, he even bought me an iPad for Christmas, that's a pretty expensive gift for someone like me.
In taking a job where I basically doubled my income, I was able to purchase another house in a town close to my old one. Its much bigger, more yard space, and in a million times better shape. Me and Alison took the plunge together, but not after much work and dedication to bettering our relationship. Since we have moved away from Carnduff, and the old house things have magically been less stressful and happier at home. Its a serious win.
Headshot the Hero was close to being axed this year due to lack of dedication, and embarrassment of not having anything out there for 2-3 years of plugging the brand. If it wasn't for Luke Jay Knight from the band Near Ruin I would've given up already. His help co-writing, and support has kept me going. He believes we have something fun and special in the HTH album. So this year, Im really going to try my ass off to produce some quality music, and put video games on the back burner.
This doesn't mean Im abandoning my clan Lost Cause, or my duties as a member and a leader in the group. I love my friends I've met from gaming. Diverse group from Puerto Rico, Canada, USA, Mexico, UK, and even people from Filipino and Cambodian race. Its been a cool ride to talk to these people and get to know them. So many personalities meshing under one banner, its really crazy to see the conversations that take place in the clan chat. I've been less of a voice lately, and in doing so, Ive seen the dedication and loyalty our members have had to the clan. "Lost Cause for life" seems to be the attitude of many of us.
What me and dswiftbr0 started years ago has flourished into a multi-gaming platform clan, multiple games, multiple races co-existing in one place. Both genders. All ages from young as 15 to as old as almost 50. YouTube channel, message board, skype group, logo, I even got a Lost Cause shirt, and some rings. We have dedicated and intelligent members have tons of knowledge and abilities to help the clan get out there and get well known. Even with the amazing skill of some players like Derpy and Symphonia46 we still keep a humble and laid back demeanor, and people who play with our members sometimes comment on them being genuine people and fun to play with. Id hate to be an elitest clan that judges people on their KDR instead of their personality. That will never happen as long as me and the other leaders keep the focus on fun gaming, instead of skilled gaming.
Breaking away from gaming and my gaming friends and circle of people is something I doubt Ill ever truly do. I might be less of a voice in the clan, but Ill always be there. Both in game and out. As long as my personal life continues to be great, and my job is always there, I hope to always have a hand in gaming in some way.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Demons and Regrets
Currently listening to: Woe is Me - Number[s], Swollen Members - Beautiful Death Machine
Currently playing: Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, Black Ops 2, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Scribblenauts Unlimited
Usually I blog with an idea in mind, or some sort of theme or whatever. This time it's just a spur of the moment word dump. Forgive me if I'm unclear, rambling or generally using poor grammar.
With that said, this week Ive been forced into numerous confrontations with people close to me. As much as I admire change and think the world and people should change if they feel the need to, sometimes I just can't see the end result being a positive thing. When it's people close to me I tend to voice my opinion, and I have a demanding voice at times. I was being an unreasonable person, and I felt some emotions I hadn't felt in quite a few years. Anger, Fear, Sorrow.
Now let me elaborate on this for a second. Most people would be telling me feeling emotions are good, and I should open up in that department. Here's the thing. My father to my knowledge til I was almost an adult, I thought was completely devoid of emotion, besides anger. I saw him as supreme strength and rock solid power, no weaknesses, his very existence frightened me. A man that rarely showed anything but a scowl and dished out discipline had to be the way a true strong man was. I grew up thinking that showing tears or excitement was a weakness.
Fast forward to me now. I rarely show any emotions, and its not a tough guy act, or some bullshit attempt at being badass. Its how I am. Takes people some time to see me for what I am.
I don't cry, people die, I don't cry.
I never get overly angry, until recently.
I fear nothing in this world or the next. I'm not afraid of death, curious about the other side, but nothing to fear. No man on this planet scares me after all the fights Ive been in. I don't have fear, until recently.
I'm not particularly proud of my past. Some people would think the things I did sound badass or awesome, but to me they were a means to survive and keep my foolish pride intact. The people I met, the groups I got involved with, none were good ideas, and I regret nothing, but some days I cant help but wonder what would it be like if I hadn't scarred my hands up for a loaf of bread, or became a thief, or learned the dark side of computers and whatnot. If I had given the RIGHT girl my time and effort. If I had found my religion earlier, if I wasn't so obsessed with death, and life, and wasn't angry for things no one can control or change.
I would've been a better son, I would've given back to the younger generation, I would've spent more time with my now deceased elders. I would've walked the righteous path, I would've stayed fighting, and saved my money, I would've stopped drinking and avoided drugs. I would've been more disciplined with my music. I would've continued to seek guidance from an old man in my life that was like a teacher to me. Once again I regret nothing, but sometimes these thoughts like demons come back to me and haunt me, until I can force them out and destroy the thoughts with positive ones.
I won't admit to alot on this blog, since none of my past is anyone's concern, but I will admit this; I have felt such an overpowering rage this week, from a clouded mind, and fueled by fear and panic, that at times I had to physically stop myself from smashing walls, throwing things, and possibly hurting people I love. This was the demon my father fought with, and it was passed down to me. I use techniques and mantras of the Buddhist faith to quickly regain control of my anger. It gets hard, but I haven't done much damage to my life besides alot of yelling and possibly hurting feelings of both them and myself, after such a massive and intense anger, I was filled with sorrow, depression, not regret, but the demon had gained ground. It had broken out of its prison. A prison all of man possesses. Demons we all have. I love my important people, and I wish to be their armor, not their source of fear and pain.
I have been told by numerous people, throughout different phases of my life, that I am intimidating, both in looks and presence, I know how they feel, my father had the same effect on me. I was nicknamed the Demon in Muay Thai, but I just thought it was badass, but people say its what I am. What they feel from me, a disturbing aura. Even if I'm smiling and laughing and the most calm and serene person in the world, its always there and people know it. Even the ones who love me the most say they are afraid of me at the same time. Its hard to hear such things, but it is what it is.
I moved here. To get away from the groups and the drinking and the people I known. To get away from my shame and my past mistakes, to get away from the drugs and alcohol, to cleanse my mind and soul, hard work, and nature. But when the demons are following me here, when they take residence inside my heart and soul and are there for me to battle day in and day out, I wonder how much will power and vitality I have to endure the fight.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that, I had fought hard to change, and I don't like my past self resurfacing making my current self feel like that. I need to re-align my chakras, I need to suppress these demons and imprison them forever, I need to become stronger and a better version of me. If everyone in the world had gone on personal journeys to better themselves in different ways, humanity might have a shot against their eventual demise.
Currently playing: Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, Black Ops 2, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Scribblenauts Unlimited
Usually I blog with an idea in mind, or some sort of theme or whatever. This time it's just a spur of the moment word dump. Forgive me if I'm unclear, rambling or generally using poor grammar.
With that said, this week Ive been forced into numerous confrontations with people close to me. As much as I admire change and think the world and people should change if they feel the need to, sometimes I just can't see the end result being a positive thing. When it's people close to me I tend to voice my opinion, and I have a demanding voice at times. I was being an unreasonable person, and I felt some emotions I hadn't felt in quite a few years. Anger, Fear, Sorrow.
Now let me elaborate on this for a second. Most people would be telling me feeling emotions are good, and I should open up in that department. Here's the thing. My father to my knowledge til I was almost an adult, I thought was completely devoid of emotion, besides anger. I saw him as supreme strength and rock solid power, no weaknesses, his very existence frightened me. A man that rarely showed anything but a scowl and dished out discipline had to be the way a true strong man was. I grew up thinking that showing tears or excitement was a weakness.
Fast forward to me now. I rarely show any emotions, and its not a tough guy act, or some bullshit attempt at being badass. Its how I am. Takes people some time to see me for what I am.
I don't cry, people die, I don't cry.
I never get overly angry, until recently.
I fear nothing in this world or the next. I'm not afraid of death, curious about the other side, but nothing to fear. No man on this planet scares me after all the fights Ive been in. I don't have fear, until recently.
I'm not particularly proud of my past. Some people would think the things I did sound badass or awesome, but to me they were a means to survive and keep my foolish pride intact. The people I met, the groups I got involved with, none were good ideas, and I regret nothing, but some days I cant help but wonder what would it be like if I hadn't scarred my hands up for a loaf of bread, or became a thief, or learned the dark side of computers and whatnot. If I had given the RIGHT girl my time and effort. If I had found my religion earlier, if I wasn't so obsessed with death, and life, and wasn't angry for things no one can control or change.
I would've been a better son, I would've given back to the younger generation, I would've spent more time with my now deceased elders. I would've walked the righteous path, I would've stayed fighting, and saved my money, I would've stopped drinking and avoided drugs. I would've been more disciplined with my music. I would've continued to seek guidance from an old man in my life that was like a teacher to me. Once again I regret nothing, but sometimes these thoughts like demons come back to me and haunt me, until I can force them out and destroy the thoughts with positive ones.
I won't admit to alot on this blog, since none of my past is anyone's concern, but I will admit this; I have felt such an overpowering rage this week, from a clouded mind, and fueled by fear and panic, that at times I had to physically stop myself from smashing walls, throwing things, and possibly hurting people I love. This was the demon my father fought with, and it was passed down to me. I use techniques and mantras of the Buddhist faith to quickly regain control of my anger. It gets hard, but I haven't done much damage to my life besides alot of yelling and possibly hurting feelings of both them and myself, after such a massive and intense anger, I was filled with sorrow, depression, not regret, but the demon had gained ground. It had broken out of its prison. A prison all of man possesses. Demons we all have. I love my important people, and I wish to be their armor, not their source of fear and pain.
I have been told by numerous people, throughout different phases of my life, that I am intimidating, both in looks and presence, I know how they feel, my father had the same effect on me. I was nicknamed the Demon in Muay Thai, but I just thought it was badass, but people say its what I am. What they feel from me, a disturbing aura. Even if I'm smiling and laughing and the most calm and serene person in the world, its always there and people know it. Even the ones who love me the most say they are afraid of me at the same time. Its hard to hear such things, but it is what it is.
I moved here. To get away from the groups and the drinking and the people I known. To get away from my shame and my past mistakes, to get away from the drugs and alcohol, to cleanse my mind and soul, hard work, and nature. But when the demons are following me here, when they take residence inside my heart and soul and are there for me to battle day in and day out, I wonder how much will power and vitality I have to endure the fight.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that, I had fought hard to change, and I don't like my past self resurfacing making my current self feel like that. I need to re-align my chakras, I need to suppress these demons and imprison them forever, I need to become stronger and a better version of me. If everyone in the world had gone on personal journeys to better themselves in different ways, humanity might have a shot against their eventual demise.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Akuma Blue
Currently listening to: Crown the Empire - The Fallout Album
Currently playing: Black Ops 2, Assassin's Creed 3, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Epic Mickey 2
Numerous years ago, I met someone. Someone that I never thought would have an impact on my life. When I met him, I didn't think too much of him, he was kinda weird, not like the others like him Ive interacted with for most of my life. He was obedient and not rebellious like the others. Even though with his larger than average physique and intimidating presence he could easily have had his way in most situations.
Not exactly full of pride, and usually cowered when confronted, he was kinda pathetic in his own way. I suppose I could see the minor appeal in him, but for the most part, he seemed like a lot of work for little payoff, but the fates crossed our paths and I don't test the fate's wisdom, so I took him with me and let him into my life. Also seeing as this was his last chance at existing I was obliged to let him have his chance to leave his mark in this world.
The first night he was in my home he cried all night, needed constant reassurance, and basically I broke down and just let him sleep with me in my room. Took him a few weeks to adjust to his new life, our new life. As time went on, he met plenty of people who grew to love him and accept him for how he was. No one ever judged him and he got plenty of support and affection from friends and family. Slowly but surely the confidence and pride was surfacing.
Years went by, his health balanced between good and moderate, happy-go-lucky and always smiling and enjoying his new carefree life, everything was taken care of for him. I provided anything he could want, and in turn I grew to love him and got attached to him. After awhile he developed a habit to wander off by himself and explore the area around him, curiosity gets the better of any man after awhile. I never worried about this habit, because he always came home and besides being a bit tired, nothing bad ever happened.
One day he did go for a walk, he never came back on his own merit. Unusual for him to miss dinner, I decided to look for him. I found him a few blocks away in an alley, bleeding, unable to walk, and cuts all over his face and one near his eye. The icy blue eye was now stained crimson. He cried and looked at me with desperation. My heart broke. I picked him up and carried him across town, he wasn't light, but I wasn't gonna stop for anything. Brought him home and let him heal the wounds, every time he tried to stand up on his own strength he screamed in pain, it was hard to watch, but there was nothing I could do but watch.
He healed eventually, but he was never the same. I don't know what happened to him, but it had to be traumatizing to him. Not what he came to Canada for.
Years later I tried to find him a friend or partner he could share his life with and grow to love. His first friend was taken away from him just as quickly as it was given. I felt really bad, but it couldn't be helped. It was what it was. Year or two later another friend was found, she was a weird chick, but something all good men need is a weird girl to balance them out. However throughout the years his health has declined from the accident and his lazy lifestyle made him gain some weight. His eyes changed from icy blue, to bright painful crimson red, to hollow, dead, onyx black. She never cared, but he was unable to really keep up with his younger and more physically fit friend. One day while spending the day with him, I noticed a weird growth/pressure on his chest.
The doctor finally got the call to look at it. Its possibly a tumor, either fatty or cancerous. The news hit me hard and I became depressed as I feel responsible for his decline in health. I wasn't there for him enough and I let him down. He requires surgery and Ive been working as much as I can to pay for any medical bills that comes his way. Its my obligation and my responsibility to take care of him and provide for him. I fear that even if the surgery is a success, he might lose a piece of who he is.
Since Ive known him he has never picked a fight with me, he has never been mean to me, and he has never talked back to me over anything. He doesn't always listen to me, but that's not unusual for someone like him.
Ive only seen him get mad once, and the dead hollow look in his eyes showed me that their is hidden anger and pain from years before our meeting. I noticed loud, gun-like noises will make him stressed out and tense. I don't know how many years he endured his old life before I met him, or why someone abandoned him and left him to die, but those things don't matter to me anymore.
Ive cried with him, I've opened up to him, I've endured hard years with him, and at one point in my life he was all I had, and the only thing that kept me going day to day. I refuse to lose him before his time is done in this world, and if I have to endure countless hours of my life to him and go broke to help him I will. This is my resolve, he's more then just a friend to me, more than just family. He's a part of me. He's a kindred spirit, and a soul mate.
He is Akuma Blue, my faithful and loyal companion, he is not just a mere dog to me. He is the other half of me.
Currently playing: Black Ops 2, Assassin's Creed 3, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Epic Mickey 2
Numerous years ago, I met someone. Someone that I never thought would have an impact on my life. When I met him, I didn't think too much of him, he was kinda weird, not like the others like him Ive interacted with for most of my life. He was obedient and not rebellious like the others. Even though with his larger than average physique and intimidating presence he could easily have had his way in most situations.
Not exactly full of pride, and usually cowered when confronted, he was kinda pathetic in his own way. I suppose I could see the minor appeal in him, but for the most part, he seemed like a lot of work for little payoff, but the fates crossed our paths and I don't test the fate's wisdom, so I took him with me and let him into my life. Also seeing as this was his last chance at existing I was obliged to let him have his chance to leave his mark in this world.
The first night he was in my home he cried all night, needed constant reassurance, and basically I broke down and just let him sleep with me in my room. Took him a few weeks to adjust to his new life, our new life. As time went on, he met plenty of people who grew to love him and accept him for how he was. No one ever judged him and he got plenty of support and affection from friends and family. Slowly but surely the confidence and pride was surfacing.
Years went by, his health balanced between good and moderate, happy-go-lucky and always smiling and enjoying his new carefree life, everything was taken care of for him. I provided anything he could want, and in turn I grew to love him and got attached to him. After awhile he developed a habit to wander off by himself and explore the area around him, curiosity gets the better of any man after awhile. I never worried about this habit, because he always came home and besides being a bit tired, nothing bad ever happened.
One day he did go for a walk, he never came back on his own merit. Unusual for him to miss dinner, I decided to look for him. I found him a few blocks away in an alley, bleeding, unable to walk, and cuts all over his face and one near his eye. The icy blue eye was now stained crimson. He cried and looked at me with desperation. My heart broke. I picked him up and carried him across town, he wasn't light, but I wasn't gonna stop for anything. Brought him home and let him heal the wounds, every time he tried to stand up on his own strength he screamed in pain, it was hard to watch, but there was nothing I could do but watch.
He healed eventually, but he was never the same. I don't know what happened to him, but it had to be traumatizing to him. Not what he came to Canada for.
Years later I tried to find him a friend or partner he could share his life with and grow to love. His first friend was taken away from him just as quickly as it was given. I felt really bad, but it couldn't be helped. It was what it was. Year or two later another friend was found, she was a weird chick, but something all good men need is a weird girl to balance them out. However throughout the years his health has declined from the accident and his lazy lifestyle made him gain some weight. His eyes changed from icy blue, to bright painful crimson red, to hollow, dead, onyx black. She never cared, but he was unable to really keep up with his younger and more physically fit friend. One day while spending the day with him, I noticed a weird growth/pressure on his chest.
The doctor finally got the call to look at it. Its possibly a tumor, either fatty or cancerous. The news hit me hard and I became depressed as I feel responsible for his decline in health. I wasn't there for him enough and I let him down. He requires surgery and Ive been working as much as I can to pay for any medical bills that comes his way. Its my obligation and my responsibility to take care of him and provide for him. I fear that even if the surgery is a success, he might lose a piece of who he is.
Since Ive known him he has never picked a fight with me, he has never been mean to me, and he has never talked back to me over anything. He doesn't always listen to me, but that's not unusual for someone like him.
Ive only seen him get mad once, and the dead hollow look in his eyes showed me that their is hidden anger and pain from years before our meeting. I noticed loud, gun-like noises will make him stressed out and tense. I don't know how many years he endured his old life before I met him, or why someone abandoned him and left him to die, but those things don't matter to me anymore.
Ive cried with him, I've opened up to him, I've endured hard years with him, and at one point in my life he was all I had, and the only thing that kept me going day to day. I refuse to lose him before his time is done in this world, and if I have to endure countless hours of my life to him and go broke to help him I will. This is my resolve, he's more then just a friend to me, more than just family. He's a part of me. He's a kindred spirit, and a soul mate.
He is Akuma Blue, my faithful and loyal companion, he is not just a mere dog to me. He is the other half of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
