All's Fair in Love and Insanity

Currently listening to: Demon Hunter's Extremist Album
Currently playing:Final Fantasy XIV

Life has it's ups and it's downs. Everyone experiences these fluctuations in the universe's balance, but one thing is constant. Change and balance. Relationships, art, the river of time stops for no man, continuously flowing until your time to get dragged into the undercurrent comes.

Lately I've noticed a change in myself for better or worse. My patience is waning and my motivation to pursue greatness and better myself is fleeting. Reversely I have more and more inspiration for my music and its to the point I have about a dozen half finished songs. Much behind schedule for where I wanted to be in the Headshot the Hero album, I just had a month off from work, but I wasted my time on video games and arguing with Alison over stupid things. I tried to leave for awhile to get my thoughts in check, but ended up being called back by my work to do menial tasks that ended up costing me more money than what I was making. If you take into consideration the gas I use, the amount of actual work there is to do, and the fact I crushed my cell phone by accident and ended up shelling out $400 bucks just to get a new one. It was a waste of time to come back and a waste of a trip up north. All I did was disappoint my family and stress out Alison.

(Real time edit: I almost dropped my cell in the toilet just now. Would've been pissed.)

After I came back home things seemed different to me, I can't really explain it. I just felt like a guest in my own home. There are times that I don't know where things are, or how certain things are. Like the kitchen, I have no idea where anything goes, my room I have no idea why things change, where my clothes are, the only room I seem to have control over is this recording studio. A good change came about tho. I started eating healthier and I gave up energy drinks and pop except for special events. (Like the UFC tonight I had an energy drink or two) in addition to my better eating habits, Ive been doing more around the house and yard, which has been hard cause Alison wants to do the same things I do, perhaps for the same reason to get away from the house or for some alone time. I gave up trying to compete for odd jobs at home. I went back to work and started doing odd jobs for my boss for pretty good money. Contributing to the bank account again made me feel a bit more useful and got me off the PS4. My terrible idea of buying Final Fantasy XIV kinda backfired all that. I still go to work, but when I'm home I usually play that game and watch Netflix when Alison is around. When shes at work, I play that game and talk to my clan mates on Skype.

Lately tho Ive been irritable, I say stupid things to either attack Alison or diminish her self esteem, and I always tell her to feel good about herself, then in the same breath I cut her down. I've done this in the past to not only her but others, and I have no idea why I do it. I guess when things bother me I say I'm ok with them, cause if I admit the things that bother me, it would make me look like a fucking asshole. There are some things she does that deserve said behavior but for the most part it's unwarranted. It's hard because I don't see Alison as much as I would like to, and when I do see her, she's usually having to get ready for work, and shes irritable in that time frame, and if I try to bug her gently or lighthearted I get told off. If I go hide out til shes done, she pops in says goodbye and shes off for the night, she comes home late, I get up early. I go to work, and the cycle repeats. The part that is disheartening is that particular is the good part of our relationship so to speak. It seems if we have a day off together. We both kinda sit there bored and one or the other finds something to do away from the other. I'm not saying me and Alison are breaking up or we have a shitty relationship, but  we both have been a little distant and not quite ourselves. There are days it dissipates and things are great again. Sometimes short lived, sometimes long lasting.

I feel that I'm terrible at filling that stereotypical boyfriend role. The caring, supportive, go see her parents for dinner, romantic cliche. That's not me anymore. When I was a dumb ass 17 year old kid, yeah I lived for that stuff. I'm older now, and its not that I don't love Alison to do all that stuff for her. It's strange, if I show that tender side of me, I feel...weak. If I give her what she wants, then I feel like I don't hold any power in my relationship and I know all of you will say "But Jaye love isn't about power and all that" for some reason ours is tho. Shes seem to give up on certain things like me going for dinner with her parents (which they do alot even by normal standards) which suits me as the anti-social, stuttering autistic person I am, but makes me feel like a shitty boyfriend, and I feel that I let her down, cause she likes appearances to be upheld for no other reason then to ward off unwanted questions or speculation about her personal life.

Moving to Gainsborough has improved my life, and our relationship, but sometimes I wonder if we are gonna make it in the long run. We don't have plans for marriage and kids cause we both agreed against it for lots of reasons, but this has been a hard 3 years. All couples fight, but I feel that we fight for no other reason then pride sometimes. Our auras rub each other the wrong way and we have both admitted to just wanting to be right and win for the sake of it. That's a bad sign, but maybe I should take the enlightened path more often and just let go of the pride and jealousy, and all the negative emotions that plague my own mind. If I let go of my own emotions than anything else is on her, and I can at least say I did my part. My anger has gotten better too, Ive calmed myself down, I stopped yelling, and Ive explained to Alison that sometimes she puts me in situations that no matter what I do, not only do I lose, but I look like the bad guy, and she has to stop putting me through that. I think she sees it now, and is going to work on it.

On the bright side when things are good, they are perfect. I just need to let that light through into the house a bit more. We aren't perfect for each other, but we deal with each others crazy tendencies and support and love each other through our personal struggles and battles. She's slowly warming up to my problems, and I don't even see her issues anymore. I'd like to think we don't have a stereotypical love like in the movies, but we have a weird and unique version of love that other people would probably see as insanity. It's us and it's not gonna change until the river of time deems it necessary.