Death Becomes Change

I am not a death fearing man. Never in my life have I questioned why people die, or how they die. I believe that when it is my turn, I shall be judged on the quality of the life I lived. However I do not loathe life either. I love being alive, but I have no fear or regrets if death comes knocking on my doorstep.

Until now.

I'm going to be a father soon, to a child that has the potential to do great things in this world. Not saying I had nothing to live for before, but with this child in my life, I have a reason to pass on my knowledge, my beliefs, my views on life. I don't want to miss a second of this child's life, I want to be the father that was around, and taught the child right from wrong. Teach him to fight, but never to fight. Teach him to love and respect women above all else. Teach him to believe in his friends and fight for those who are deemed important to him. Reversely if I am blessed with a little girl. I want Kitten to teach her the way to be a woman, to respect herself, and believe in herself. Not to be some guys doormat, or think that a woman should just be a sex object to amuse men. I want to be my daughter's armor and my son's strength. I want them to love and respect me, not fear and hide from me.

Morale of this blog is that I have changed in leaps and bounds from the time I spent alone 5 years ago. If you hung out with me in 2004, and you saw me now, you wouldn't believe its the same person. As much as I would like to credit myself with this transformation, there is one person responsible for how I am, good or bad.

Kitten.

My beautiful girlfriend, her intelligence, compassion, and everlasting love were the keys to my change. I had a reason to love again. I had a reason to try and be a better version of myself, no longer the angry, bitter, cynical and constantly depressed person I was, always searching for an answer to my life. Studying things that I thought would lead me to enlightenment. Religions, idealists, medical studies, nothing seemed to appease what I was looking for. I ruled out love, since in the past it had only made me miserable and the reason I was so cold to everyone and everything in my life. But she changed that. Single handed, with no help, she melted my icy heart, and called it her own. My friends might not understand or appreciate the things she's done for me and for them, but my mother cried when she saw the changes. She was so happy that I was actually talking to my family and my father like I loved them, opposed from telling them to just stay out of my life, and not to worry about me.

If she can change a monster like me, into someone that people love and respect, then I know as the mother of my child. She can raise and teach him or her anything. I know in my heart that Kitten is going to be an amazing mother, much like the woman who bore me into this world.
I'm tired of being labeled as a bad boyfriend, or people who think I'm some asshole who takes her for granted. So from today on, I shall change on my own again. To be an even better version of myself for her, for my child, for my family, and more importantly for me.
So I can look at myself in the mirror and know in my heart and mind, that I cant do any better, but will continue to try.

Call me arrogant, but I am that good at everything. I AM that intelligent. I AM that strong willed that if I cant change the world, I can change yours at least. I can be the man that everyone thinks I cant be. and I will, Ill overcome all the obstacles in my way, be it personal or a person. If you stand in my way to being a good father or husband, watch out. You WILL lose.

Because when it comes to my important people, people I would die without. people I have given my heart and soul to, no one stands in my way in making them happy.

No one.