Currently listening to: Demon Hunter - True Defiance Album
Currently playing: Conduit 2, Xenoblade Chronicles, Skyward Sword.
Some days are better than others. Today was just one of the days I would've bypassed if given the divine option. Work consisted of being drenched by the rain to the point that it was hard to breathe through the clothes I had on. Ever since the flood last year (Worst in 500 years they say) this area has seen enormous amounts of rain which makes my job harder and less profitable then it should be. Upon arriving home after my 10 hours of miserable rig work, I'm greeted by the guy that is going to clean my air ducts in my house. Apparently there was no air filter, and he said he pulled out excessive amounts of dirt. Boring story short. He raped me for about $600. So that was lovely, but had to be done.
The real shitty part of my day was my complete lack of skill to produce any music worthy of building off of and recording. Even going back and listening to riffs and songs I have in the works, Its not that I'm not happy with them, but they are incomplete, and since my Facebook isn't active, its hard to co-write with Luke Jay Knight from Near Ruin. Even the tones I programmed into my recording software seem sloppy and unmanageable. Its like I took two steps backwards in this Headshot the Hero project. I find myself wanting to work on Black Orpheus related stuff, but Ive been plugging the HTH brand for the last 2 years, and really want to make substantial progress and release some tracks. I dislike having a band page on Facebook and having it have nothing to show.
I dislike more, making sacrifices and changing things about myself only to be told its all for naught and they continue to act like I'm untrustworthy or suspicious. That's not important tho, it comes and goes.
Finally got back my GMC Jimmy. It has been in the hands of various mechanics since last September but its finally fixed and back, and after driving my new GMC Terrain, its hard to go back to the Jimmy, but Ill make due, and use it for work and bombing around. I'm happy to have two vehicles, but its not without its price tag. Lots of money seems to be going out of my account and not as much going in lately, so hopefully that changes.
On a slightly brighter note. I may have lost weight. I avoid stepping on a scale in fear of the number have not changed since 2-3 weeks ago.
My gaming has suffered a bit as well. I don't play as much as I used to, and am slowly shifting towards the urge to watch anime again. I feel that I have limited time to finish my Wii games before the Wii U is launched in possibly November, so I should be focusing on the 6-7 games I still have left in my library before attempting buying new games or switching gears completely. Ive had a pretty extensive 5 year Wii career with tons of PS3 and XBOX 360 titles littered among the Wii ones. Maybe I'm finally burnt out.
Thought I had more to say but I suppose its late into the night, and I'm just feeling down about my music today. Either way follow me on Twitter at demonicjaye
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
New Age or Lazy?
Currently listening to: Killin' Time by Wellspoke
Currently playing: Xenoblade Chronicles, MW3
Spent a few days up north this week with my family. Got detoxed, drank an ocean of water, and ate the odd meal. Got my neck tattoo finished, and bought a brand new 2012 GMC Terrian. Made the choice to try and make things work with Alison again, so I deleted my Facebook and am changing my cell phone number. I'm hoping this relieves her of any suspicion and jealousy which is the root of all my problems in said relationship. It seems to be an old fable that boys and girls can be just friends without sexual tension or situations arising.
I always said I would never do this again, but history has a tendency to repeat itself, even with a completely different cast, the story seems to remain the same. Perhaps this is my way of progressing the storyline. All I plan to do is work, and sit at home and play video games, and work on my music. So anyone who wants to know what I'm up to? There it is.
Having thought over all this and weighing the pros and cons, I came to wonder. Do people spend more time and effort on their Internet lives then they do their real life ones? Some people work terribly hard on their Facebooks and Facebook relationships, YouTubes, message boards etc. I understand that in some cases this is the only way to connect with loved ones or friends that are around the world, much like me and the boys in Near Ruin. Ive met a few people that were rad and interesting online, but when I met them, they were awkward and had nothing of interest to say or had no way to communicate in a real situation. I'm not like that, and I do quite well in social situations where I like the people, but if we all put as much effort into our jobs or relationships outside the Internet like we do in our Facebooks, YouTubes, Blogs etc. Maybe alot of your status updates wouldn't including being broke or being in a shitty relationship. Typing a status or tweet takes 30 seconds tops, in 30 seconds I can tell someone I love them, rub their back a little bit, or give em a kiss. If someone of you did this for your significant others as often as you update your statuses, maybe your relationships would bear some fruit.
Am I disappearing off the Internet completely? No. I still intend to YouTube, read comics, keep up with emails, blog, and use the Internet for game help and in general an information tool. I post over at GameFAQs under the name Mindesyn and am usually on the Conduit 2 board.
Perhaps I'm just an older guy. This internet social shit is for kids and teenagers. We grew up with Internet so the world is changing and simply Xing out Internet use isn't the permanent solution. We have to change on what we use the Internet for. How many workplaces suffer because people cant stop playing Mafia Wars on Facebook, or mindlessly surf YouTube? People spend more time making friendships on the Internet and for the most part take them more seriously. If I don't talk to you in real life for 6 months you don't care. If I delete you off my Facebook due to the lack of connecting or talking, you take it as a huge 'Fuck you' why is being on my Internet 'friends' list more important then having a real life friendship?
Convenience. We all want to be a part of someones life, but want no effort in doing so. This behaviour starts on the Internet and soon carries over to personal life, where we make no effort in our marriages or friendships. I don't use the Internet like that. I still go over to my friends house and play video games there, even tho its just as simple to play online from the comfort of my own home. I try to see people when time affords me, even tho most people always talk about getting together, but when the occasion arises they seem to not want any part of the idea.
Not to mention the Internet is educating your children instead of you. Its not an ideal curriculum. Net nanny isn't the answer. Spending time with your kids is. But this point doesn't matter.
Point is I've endured alot of stress and bullshit over the internet, that I could've easily had avoided if I just focused on the people beside me. Im a mild case. I know some people that the best way to get ahold of them is to login to Facebook or Tweet them. They won't answer texts or phone calls, but always are on social networking sites, and for all I know that's all they really are.
If you are offended I deleted my Facebook in order to focus on my relationship and improve it because it needs it? Go fuck yourself. I got email, YouTube, GameFAQ account, a Twitter, and this blog. If that doesn't work for you, maybe you should try harder if you want me as your friend.
Add me on YouTube or GameFAQs under 'Mindesyn' Follow me on Twitter @demonicjaye or just read this fucking blog if all that is too much effort.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Glory Fading Reclaimed
Currently listening to: Rewind (feat. None Like Joshua & Dani) - Fracx
Currently playing: Conduit 2, Klonoa, Xenoblade Chronicles
This past weekend I spent in Regina I realized something. I'm overweight. According to the BMI chart at the doctors office I stopped at, I'm in the "morbidly obese" column, I know these charts don't account for muscle mass, which I have plenty of, but not enough to justify myself as healthy. I weigh 210 lbs and am 5'8. I ate way too much food in the capital and lazed around my hotel room and took cabs everywhere I went (mostly on account of the rain and heavy wind combo mother nature graced me with) but still. I felt like complete and utter shit, hard breathing, and completely bloated left me with both depression and motivation.
I'm not a stranger to exercise and diet, I fluctuate weight more than anyone I know, not even two years ago I was 168 lbs, and very well toned. I trained for Muay Thai, MMA, and just generally overall good health. Now I own a Bowflex that collects dust, a heavy bag that has been on my basement floor since moving it in favour of my drums, dogs that need to be ran, tons of supplements including whey protein, creatine, multivitamins, and fat burners that sit on the shelf, and I also have friends who will train with me and work on boxing and weights. I have everything I need to get in shape and get healthy.
I don't lack motivation or ambition for the most part. Its half in part to my lifestyle. Work keeps my hours full and on my days off I don't want to get into a workout session. The other half is the diet aspect. Carnduff is set-up for the go-go oil patch. Convenience stores are filled with quick food like pizza, fried chicken, hamburgers, hot dogs, and tons of other snacks and drinks. After a long day I don't want to cook some chicken and have some fruit. I want some fried chicken and a Rockstar. I want to sit down and play video games or watch TV.
So whats the point of all this? Usually I start a workout regime, workout for 1-2 weeks, then have a busy day, skip a workout, skip two, eat some junk...and back to the unhealthy diet and lifestyle that caused my weight gain. I laugh at those TV shows where people are "morbidly obese" and always thought "How did you ever get that fucking fat?" I can tell you, you don't notice. I suppose some people blame genetics, but I cant. My sister and my mother are in amazing shape, and even my old man with his less than healthy eating habits and smoking is still in decent shape for his years. My mom is over 50 and puts women half her age to shame. All she does is eat well and cardio and some weights, shes not hardcore or a fitness guru, just an average person who took an interest in her health. I don't want to let this weight pile up and suddenly I'm on TV for all of you to mock and watch me struggle to do the basic workouts. Am I being dramatic? Perhaps a tad, but had these people been harder on themselves they wouldn't be 300 lbs and suing fast food companies for making them fat.
I'm taking a week to go up north to my parents place its the perfect place to get in the healthy eating mood. They eat pretty healthy, not alot of junk for me to eat, and its got the workout room I need to get a quick little jump on my exercise regime, even walking the treadmill will help out. I'm getting a tattoo on Wednesday and that will hinder my workouts, but not my diet.
After I heal up tho, I'm gonna get back into the Kick boxing training style of lifestyle I used to engage in. I might lose time on video games, and not as much time for music and my projects, but health at my age has to come first.
Either way I suppose this was just me talking out loud opposed to having any real point or purpose. Ill be updating this space with hopefully some weight loss points.
Add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter @demonicjaye
Currently playing: Conduit 2, Klonoa, Xenoblade Chronicles
This past weekend I spent in Regina I realized something. I'm overweight. According to the BMI chart at the doctors office I stopped at, I'm in the "morbidly obese" column, I know these charts don't account for muscle mass, which I have plenty of, but not enough to justify myself as healthy. I weigh 210 lbs and am 5'8. I ate way too much food in the capital and lazed around my hotel room and took cabs everywhere I went (mostly on account of the rain and heavy wind combo mother nature graced me with) but still. I felt like complete and utter shit, hard breathing, and completely bloated left me with both depression and motivation.
I'm not a stranger to exercise and diet, I fluctuate weight more than anyone I know, not even two years ago I was 168 lbs, and very well toned. I trained for Muay Thai, MMA, and just generally overall good health. Now I own a Bowflex that collects dust, a heavy bag that has been on my basement floor since moving it in favour of my drums, dogs that need to be ran, tons of supplements including whey protein, creatine, multivitamins, and fat burners that sit on the shelf, and I also have friends who will train with me and work on boxing and weights. I have everything I need to get in shape and get healthy.
I don't lack motivation or ambition for the most part. Its half in part to my lifestyle. Work keeps my hours full and on my days off I don't want to get into a workout session. The other half is the diet aspect. Carnduff is set-up for the go-go oil patch. Convenience stores are filled with quick food like pizza, fried chicken, hamburgers, hot dogs, and tons of other snacks and drinks. After a long day I don't want to cook some chicken and have some fruit. I want some fried chicken and a Rockstar. I want to sit down and play video games or watch TV.
So whats the point of all this? Usually I start a workout regime, workout for 1-2 weeks, then have a busy day, skip a workout, skip two, eat some junk...and back to the unhealthy diet and lifestyle that caused my weight gain. I laugh at those TV shows where people are "morbidly obese" and always thought "How did you ever get that fucking fat?" I can tell you, you don't notice. I suppose some people blame genetics, but I cant. My sister and my mother are in amazing shape, and even my old man with his less than healthy eating habits and smoking is still in decent shape for his years. My mom is over 50 and puts women half her age to shame. All she does is eat well and cardio and some weights, shes not hardcore or a fitness guru, just an average person who took an interest in her health. I don't want to let this weight pile up and suddenly I'm on TV for all of you to mock and watch me struggle to do the basic workouts. Am I being dramatic? Perhaps a tad, but had these people been harder on themselves they wouldn't be 300 lbs and suing fast food companies for making them fat.
I'm taking a week to go up north to my parents place its the perfect place to get in the healthy eating mood. They eat pretty healthy, not alot of junk for me to eat, and its got the workout room I need to get a quick little jump on my exercise regime, even walking the treadmill will help out. I'm getting a tattoo on Wednesday and that will hinder my workouts, but not my diet.
After I heal up tho, I'm gonna get back into the Kick boxing training style of lifestyle I used to engage in. I might lose time on video games, and not as much time for music and my projects, but health at my age has to come first.
Either way I suppose this was just me talking out loud opposed to having any real point or purpose. Ill be updating this space with hopefully some weight loss points.
Add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter @demonicjaye
Friday, April 13, 2012
Pro Gamer
Currently listening to: http://youtu.be/yD5chW4Gu_Y
Currently playing: Skyward Sword, Conduit 2, Xenoblade, Soul Calibur V
This week the Soul Calibur V World Championships were held in Las Vegas. I watched the entire event via online stream courtesy of Team Spooky. After watching the entire 3 hour event I realized that my Soul Calibur skills are possibly world contender good. I wasn't impressed with the Japanese or US players, the French players and the one from Dominion Republic were amazing tho.
This thought process got me thinking of what type of level as a gamer I am. Before I get into this, this is in no way an attempt to gloat, or stroke my ego in the matter. Just a slow, almost surreal realization of the level of gamers out there.
In Soul Calibur IV I was ranked 2nd on the XBL servers for ranked gameplay out of tens of thousands of cutthroat, spammy, and amazing players, and in December of 2003 I competed in a Soul Calibur II tournament in Saskatoon and placed first with my main, Raphael. This might not be on the level of World Championship, but the stress and anxiety that comes with competitive play is the same. I feel like I'm one of the best in this part of my country. Even my friend Jeremy Hardie is no slouch and when we used to play SCIV he rarely won a match.
So am I only good at fighting games particularly one franchise? No actually. I'm also a pretty damn solid Tekken player, but I know, I know, both are fighting games from Namco Bandai. For the record I have obtained every achievement and trophy thus far in the SC and Tekken games. Soul Calibur V being the hardest one to complete thus far, but its a slow process and I will master the game. Fighting games aside, there is another game out there that I'm not only a top ranked player, but I'm one of the best on the NTSC servers.
Conduit 2. I'm possibly top 20 in that game. Having no real ranking Leaderboards its not possible to actually figure out where I fit into the top players, but having being close friends with the number 1 player 'Samu5' I feel that I could be easily top 10 without the lock-on feature of the game. Which is a crutch for players who cant aim, and claim they are amazing players, when they don't do anything but lock-on and spray a clip of ammo, but Ill stop bitching about the C2 community. The real FPS ace is my friend Jeremy Hardie, he has owned and beaten a majority of FPSes out there, and not just beat, beat on the hardest, most insane difficulties, a feat I could never do.
I game alot everyday, with my friends and without. Certain games I tend to do well, others I'm average. RPGs are my top rated games, but the Japanese players take those to an insane level of gameplay, so I tend to have world class skills at fighting games. I'm just one person out in the middle of nowhere, I live with gamers, and interact with gamers daily, should I feel an aura of accomplishment or superiority? Of course not. Most world class gamers have egos and look down on the players that got them there. Would I be an amazing Soul Calibur player if I didn't force roommates and friends to fight me in countless matches? Probably not. Would I like to travel the world and play a video game in World Championships and win money and prizes?
No. I enjoy the game immensely, but I don't wanna travel, or attend numerous events, I want no prestige or glory (ironic blog post I know) but that makes one think, are the world champions truly the best? or are they only the best of the people who want the same thing? Could there be an amazing Soul Calibur player down the street from you, that is World class, but has no way or no desire to compete and go to Worlds?
Think about it.
Add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter @demonicjaye
Currently playing: Skyward Sword, Conduit 2, Xenoblade, Soul Calibur V
This week the Soul Calibur V World Championships were held in Las Vegas. I watched the entire event via online stream courtesy of Team Spooky. After watching the entire 3 hour event I realized that my Soul Calibur skills are possibly world contender good. I wasn't impressed with the Japanese or US players, the French players and the one from Dominion Republic were amazing tho.
This thought process got me thinking of what type of level as a gamer I am. Before I get into this, this is in no way an attempt to gloat, or stroke my ego in the matter. Just a slow, almost surreal realization of the level of gamers out there.
In Soul Calibur IV I was ranked 2nd on the XBL servers for ranked gameplay out of tens of thousands of cutthroat, spammy, and amazing players, and in December of 2003 I competed in a Soul Calibur II tournament in Saskatoon and placed first with my main, Raphael. This might not be on the level of World Championship, but the stress and anxiety that comes with competitive play is the same. I feel like I'm one of the best in this part of my country. Even my friend Jeremy Hardie is no slouch and when we used to play SCIV he rarely won a match.
So am I only good at fighting games particularly one franchise? No actually. I'm also a pretty damn solid Tekken player, but I know, I know, both are fighting games from Namco Bandai. For the record I have obtained every achievement and trophy thus far in the SC and Tekken games. Soul Calibur V being the hardest one to complete thus far, but its a slow process and I will master the game. Fighting games aside, there is another game out there that I'm not only a top ranked player, but I'm one of the best on the NTSC servers.
Conduit 2. I'm possibly top 20 in that game. Having no real ranking Leaderboards its not possible to actually figure out where I fit into the top players, but having being close friends with the number 1 player 'Samu5' I feel that I could be easily top 10 without the lock-on feature of the game. Which is a crutch for players who cant aim, and claim they are amazing players, when they don't do anything but lock-on and spray a clip of ammo, but Ill stop bitching about the C2 community. The real FPS ace is my friend Jeremy Hardie, he has owned and beaten a majority of FPSes out there, and not just beat, beat on the hardest, most insane difficulties, a feat I could never do.
I game alot everyday, with my friends and without. Certain games I tend to do well, others I'm average. RPGs are my top rated games, but the Japanese players take those to an insane level of gameplay, so I tend to have world class skills at fighting games. I'm just one person out in the middle of nowhere, I live with gamers, and interact with gamers daily, should I feel an aura of accomplishment or superiority? Of course not. Most world class gamers have egos and look down on the players that got them there. Would I be an amazing Soul Calibur player if I didn't force roommates and friends to fight me in countless matches? Probably not. Would I like to travel the world and play a video game in World Championships and win money and prizes?
No. I enjoy the game immensely, but I don't wanna travel, or attend numerous events, I want no prestige or glory (ironic blog post I know) but that makes one think, are the world champions truly the best? or are they only the best of the people who want the same thing? Could there be an amazing Soul Calibur player down the street from you, that is World class, but has no way or no desire to compete and go to Worlds?
Think about it.
Add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter @demonicjaye
Monday, April 2, 2012
3 Years Later
Currently listening to: http://youtu.be/73iGAd5ntuE
Currently playing: Wii - Metroid Prime 3, MW3, Mario Party 9, Kirby's Return to Dreamland EX
DS - Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days, Final Fantasy Tactics A2, Phantasy Star
It's been awhile.
For those of you that are familiar with this blog, you might expect alot of personal things to read about me. Take note however that after reading the posts that were posted over 3 years ago. I can happily say I'm no longer anything like I used to be. No longer emotional and obsessed with people who didn't feel the same way, no longer hating my life and complaining about small, trivial things that have no real effect on my life. What changed you ask? Plenty.
For starters I no longer date or associate myself with my ex girlfriend Heather. It ended how it was fated to end, and that's perfectly fine between the two of us, we have no animosity between us, but we don't have any strong emotions tying us to be friends. I am however dating someone new and she has made my life the best Ive ever had it. Alison is the piece that I'm missing when I'm alone. She's the other part of my insanity to make life complete, and even tho we have our ups and downs, I feel that we will never part ways. Its suffice to say I love the girl, even if I don't show it to the best of my ability.
Now that the emotions are out of the way. I still work in SE Saskatchewan moving oil rigs, Ive did my time and got dirty in the trenches of my company and took piles of shit from management time and time again to find myself finally getting recognition and promotion. I intend to continue climbing the ladder to the top to hopefully someday become someone who is looked up to as a leader.
I have picked up music as a hobby again since the last time I posted, taking an interest in recording, drumming, and guitars again. Forming a solo metalcore project called "Headshot the Hero" (Like it on Facebook) I have pieced together a drumset from all over the world via the Internet shopping, and its a 7/10 kit. I'm proud to have designed and built it myself, but I would sell it if the offer came up. I also have Black Orpheus still on the go, and after the HTH album, I shall go back and make BO come to life. In between that there is a possibility of a Dubstep/Rap project that may or may not take flight. All of these projects will have Facebook and YouTube pages, and if you keep up here you will be linked as developments come up. Quick shout out goes to Luke Jay Knight of Near Ruin (Also Like them on Facebook) as he is helping me co-write the HTH album.
Video games in a big way! Having over 60 titles in my Wii collection and numerous DS titles I have spent a large portion of my last 3 years playing video games, reviewing video games (http://www.byronicgaming.blogspot.ca/) and forging stronger friendships thru video gaming and the industry. Not much else to say except that I am looking forward to continuing my hardcore gaming ways in the future for at least one more generation of consoles.
Still getting tattooed, I no longer fight competitively, still am an Internet junkie, and overall I'm happier.
Not to say I wasn't happy all those years ago with my close friends and ex girlfriend here with me. But I was never happy living paycheque to paycheque, having drama over the Internet, and always angry about my job and living here. In 3 years I have become more mature, intelligent, some would argue colder, but I don't wear emotions on my sleeve like my ex made me. I like to keep things to myself, and people who know me well enough, should know I love them, and how it is. I enjoy music again, video gaming, and being me. I have a girlfriend who accepts these things and supports me in my crazy ways, and I in turn, support and accept her for who she is.
This blog will be littered with probably nothing epic or interesting, but if you got time to kill feel free to peek into what I'm doing. Add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter @demonicjaye
Currently playing: Wii - Metroid Prime 3, MW3, Mario Party 9, Kirby's Return to Dreamland EX
DS - Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days, Final Fantasy Tactics A2, Phantasy Star
It's been awhile.
For those of you that are familiar with this blog, you might expect alot of personal things to read about me. Take note however that after reading the posts that were posted over 3 years ago. I can happily say I'm no longer anything like I used to be. No longer emotional and obsessed with people who didn't feel the same way, no longer hating my life and complaining about small, trivial things that have no real effect on my life. What changed you ask? Plenty.
For starters I no longer date or associate myself with my ex girlfriend Heather. It ended how it was fated to end, and that's perfectly fine between the two of us, we have no animosity between us, but we don't have any strong emotions tying us to be friends. I am however dating someone new and she has made my life the best Ive ever had it. Alison is the piece that I'm missing when I'm alone. She's the other part of my insanity to make life complete, and even tho we have our ups and downs, I feel that we will never part ways. Its suffice to say I love the girl, even if I don't show it to the best of my ability.
Now that the emotions are out of the way. I still work in SE Saskatchewan moving oil rigs, Ive did my time and got dirty in the trenches of my company and took piles of shit from management time and time again to find myself finally getting recognition and promotion. I intend to continue climbing the ladder to the top to hopefully someday become someone who is looked up to as a leader.
I have picked up music as a hobby again since the last time I posted, taking an interest in recording, drumming, and guitars again. Forming a solo metalcore project called "Headshot the Hero" (Like it on Facebook) I have pieced together a drumset from all over the world via the Internet shopping, and its a 7/10 kit. I'm proud to have designed and built it myself, but I would sell it if the offer came up. I also have Black Orpheus still on the go, and after the HTH album, I shall go back and make BO come to life. In between that there is a possibility of a Dubstep/Rap project that may or may not take flight. All of these projects will have Facebook and YouTube pages, and if you keep up here you will be linked as developments come up. Quick shout out goes to Luke Jay Knight of Near Ruin (Also Like them on Facebook) as he is helping me co-write the HTH album.
Video games in a big way! Having over 60 titles in my Wii collection and numerous DS titles I have spent a large portion of my last 3 years playing video games, reviewing video games (http://www.byronicgaming.blogspot.ca/) and forging stronger friendships thru video gaming and the industry. Not much else to say except that I am looking forward to continuing my hardcore gaming ways in the future for at least one more generation of consoles.
Still getting tattooed, I no longer fight competitively, still am an Internet junkie, and overall I'm happier.
Not to say I wasn't happy all those years ago with my close friends and ex girlfriend here with me. But I was never happy living paycheque to paycheque, having drama over the Internet, and always angry about my job and living here. In 3 years I have become more mature, intelligent, some would argue colder, but I don't wear emotions on my sleeve like my ex made me. I like to keep things to myself, and people who know me well enough, should know I love them, and how it is. I enjoy music again, video gaming, and being me. I have a girlfriend who accepts these things and supports me in my crazy ways, and I in turn, support and accept her for who she is.
This blog will be littered with probably nothing epic or interesting, but if you got time to kill feel free to peek into what I'm doing. Add me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter @demonicjaye
Monday, March 16, 2009
Death Becomes Change
I am not a death fearing man. Never in my life have I questioned why people die, or how they die. I believe that when it is my turn, I shall be judged on the quality of the life I lived. However I do not loathe life either. I love being alive, but I have no fear or regrets if death comes knocking on my doorstep.
Until now.
I'm going to be a father soon, to a child that has the potential to do great things in this world. Not saying I had nothing to live for before, but with this child in my life, I have a reason to pass on my knowledge, my beliefs, my views on life. I don't want to miss a second of this child's life, I want to be the father that was around, and taught the child right from wrong. Teach him to fight, but never to fight. Teach him to love and respect women above all else. Teach him to believe in his friends and fight for those who are deemed important to him. Reversely if I am blessed with a little girl. I want Kitten to teach her the way to be a woman, to respect herself, and believe in herself. Not to be some guys doormat, or think that a woman should just be a sex object to amuse men. I want to be my daughter's armor and my son's strength. I want them to love and respect me, not fear and hide from me.
Morale of this blog is that I have changed in leaps and bounds from the time I spent alone 5 years ago. If you hung out with me in 2004, and you saw me now, you wouldn't believe its the same person. As much as I would like to credit myself with this transformation, there is one person responsible for how I am, good or bad.
Kitten.
My beautiful girlfriend, her intelligence, compassion, and everlasting love were the keys to my change. I had a reason to love again. I had a reason to try and be a better version of myself, no longer the angry, bitter, cynical and constantly depressed person I was, always searching for an answer to my life. Studying things that I thought would lead me to enlightenment. Religions, idealists, medical studies, nothing seemed to appease what I was looking for. I ruled out love, since in the past it had only made me miserable and the reason I was so cold to everyone and everything in my life. But she changed that. Single handed, with no help, she melted my icy heart, and called it her own. My friends might not understand or appreciate the things she's done for me and for them, but my mother cried when she saw the changes. She was so happy that I was actually talking to my family and my father like I loved them, opposed from telling them to just stay out of my life, and not to worry about me.
If she can change a monster like me, into someone that people love and respect, then I know as the mother of my child. She can raise and teach him or her anything. I know in my heart that Kitten is going to be an amazing mother, much like the woman who bore me into this world.
I'm tired of being labeled as a bad boyfriend, or people who think I'm some asshole who takes her for granted. So from today on, I shall change on my own again. To be an even better version of myself for her, for my child, for my family, and more importantly for me.
So I can look at myself in the mirror and know in my heart and mind, that I cant do any better, but will continue to try.
Call me arrogant, but I am that good at everything. I AM that intelligent. I AM that strong willed that if I cant change the world, I can change yours at least. I can be the man that everyone thinks I cant be. and I will, Ill overcome all the obstacles in my way, be it personal or a person. If you stand in my way to being a good father or husband, watch out. You WILL lose.
Because when it comes to my important people, people I would die without. people I have given my heart and soul to, no one stands in my way in making them happy.
No one.
Until now.
I'm going to be a father soon, to a child that has the potential to do great things in this world. Not saying I had nothing to live for before, but with this child in my life, I have a reason to pass on my knowledge, my beliefs, my views on life. I don't want to miss a second of this child's life, I want to be the father that was around, and taught the child right from wrong. Teach him to fight, but never to fight. Teach him to love and respect women above all else. Teach him to believe in his friends and fight for those who are deemed important to him. Reversely if I am blessed with a little girl. I want Kitten to teach her the way to be a woman, to respect herself, and believe in herself. Not to be some guys doormat, or think that a woman should just be a sex object to amuse men. I want to be my daughter's armor and my son's strength. I want them to love and respect me, not fear and hide from me.
Morale of this blog is that I have changed in leaps and bounds from the time I spent alone 5 years ago. If you hung out with me in 2004, and you saw me now, you wouldn't believe its the same person. As much as I would like to credit myself with this transformation, there is one person responsible for how I am, good or bad.
Kitten.
My beautiful girlfriend, her intelligence, compassion, and everlasting love were the keys to my change. I had a reason to love again. I had a reason to try and be a better version of myself, no longer the angry, bitter, cynical and constantly depressed person I was, always searching for an answer to my life. Studying things that I thought would lead me to enlightenment. Religions, idealists, medical studies, nothing seemed to appease what I was looking for. I ruled out love, since in the past it had only made me miserable and the reason I was so cold to everyone and everything in my life. But she changed that. Single handed, with no help, she melted my icy heart, and called it her own. My friends might not understand or appreciate the things she's done for me and for them, but my mother cried when she saw the changes. She was so happy that I was actually talking to my family and my father like I loved them, opposed from telling them to just stay out of my life, and not to worry about me.
If she can change a monster like me, into someone that people love and respect, then I know as the mother of my child. She can raise and teach him or her anything. I know in my heart that Kitten is going to be an amazing mother, much like the woman who bore me into this world.
I'm tired of being labeled as a bad boyfriend, or people who think I'm some asshole who takes her for granted. So from today on, I shall change on my own again. To be an even better version of myself for her, for my child, for my family, and more importantly for me.
So I can look at myself in the mirror and know in my heart and mind, that I cant do any better, but will continue to try.
Call me arrogant, but I am that good at everything. I AM that intelligent. I AM that strong willed that if I cant change the world, I can change yours at least. I can be the man that everyone thinks I cant be. and I will, Ill overcome all the obstacles in my way, be it personal or a person. If you stand in my way to being a good father or husband, watch out. You WILL lose.
Because when it comes to my important people, people I would die without. people I have given my heart and soul to, no one stands in my way in making them happy.
No one.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Endure
I have been told that I am a strong person. Strong minded, strong willed, with a strong heart.
I have also been told that I got that strength from life experiences that in turn have made me cold.
I don't know how I got all the inner strength I use day to day and to endure hardships. Sometimes I doubt the stamina of that said strength. I go through alot of pain and hardships when it comes to relationships. Both romantic or platonic.
With each passing year the trials endure. From loneliness to accusations, even as far as ungrateful people, using me as they see fit. No matter how cold, and how much I don't take shit from people. I have a soft spot for a few chosen people, that I love no matter how much I have to go through to be with them. I use all this inner strength to help those people. Never to profit from it in my own selfish ways. I fight for those who can't, come up with solutions to the hardest problems for those who can't figure it out, and I will starve myself and deny myself simple luxuries in order to provide for those who can't provide for themselves.
No matter how hard I try, and how perfect of a person I am to everyone. In the end they all either leave me at my lowest, or find small Lil trivial things to complain about. I always am quick to apologize and then re-evaluate my life, to match the needs of the ones around me. Nothing I do seems good enough.
Now if a person of this caliber of intelligence, inner strength, and kindness, isn't good enough for someone to not take for granted, then there is no good left in the world. I know that humanity is a lost race, we have fallen so far which each new generation, but I try and take the advice from my elders, and portray it in my life, so others will too. I try and make people better versions of themselves, so they don't have to be dependant on me.
I don't want people to depend on me, but I don't want people to outright ignore me either. A simple 'thank you' or credit where credit is due, is all the glory I need to make it seem like I actually made a difference in a life.
Perfect idea would be my birthday this year. As soon as I want something for myself. It's beyond my grasp, and to ask for it or in some way, insinuate I want it the most, is me being selfish and who am I to want what I want? This year instead of spending the day with the people I love the most. I have to go work in the shop for minimum wage so when the important people come home, they have food, and a roof over their head.
Step back and look at it, I would like to think that these people actually NEED me, but alas I know that they all have other options should I fail to provide and be this pillar of strength I have been made out to be. What if my strength has faded? What if I need help from the people I have fought and died for all these years? ...silence...
Why am I always alone, when I ever want is the simplest of things? I want the person I love the most back. That is all.
...Endure...
Of course, I will endure, and try harder, and dig deeper, until I find that allotted strength required to make sure everyone can maintain what THEY want. I will endure hell, I will conquer hell, and when it is all said and done, and I have done everything imaginable for everyone. I will be alone, because the answer has been simple this entire time.
I'm not capable of bringing anyone true happiness. The mystery isn't so mysterious. No one will stay with someone who has spent his life running after everyone else and making sure their drink is topped off. They want the guy who took the bottle and left the rest to die of thirst.
I have also been told that I got that strength from life experiences that in turn have made me cold.
I don't know how I got all the inner strength I use day to day and to endure hardships. Sometimes I doubt the stamina of that said strength. I go through alot of pain and hardships when it comes to relationships. Both romantic or platonic.
With each passing year the trials endure. From loneliness to accusations, even as far as ungrateful people, using me as they see fit. No matter how cold, and how much I don't take shit from people. I have a soft spot for a few chosen people, that I love no matter how much I have to go through to be with them. I use all this inner strength to help those people. Never to profit from it in my own selfish ways. I fight for those who can't, come up with solutions to the hardest problems for those who can't figure it out, and I will starve myself and deny myself simple luxuries in order to provide for those who can't provide for themselves.
No matter how hard I try, and how perfect of a person I am to everyone. In the end they all either leave me at my lowest, or find small Lil trivial things to complain about. I always am quick to apologize and then re-evaluate my life, to match the needs of the ones around me. Nothing I do seems good enough.
Now if a person of this caliber of intelligence, inner strength, and kindness, isn't good enough for someone to not take for granted, then there is no good left in the world. I know that humanity is a lost race, we have fallen so far which each new generation, but I try and take the advice from my elders, and portray it in my life, so others will too. I try and make people better versions of themselves, so they don't have to be dependant on me.
I don't want people to depend on me, but I don't want people to outright ignore me either. A simple 'thank you' or credit where credit is due, is all the glory I need to make it seem like I actually made a difference in a life.
Perfect idea would be my birthday this year. As soon as I want something for myself. It's beyond my grasp, and to ask for it or in some way, insinuate I want it the most, is me being selfish and who am I to want what I want? This year instead of spending the day with the people I love the most. I have to go work in the shop for minimum wage so when the important people come home, they have food, and a roof over their head.
Step back and look at it, I would like to think that these people actually NEED me, but alas I know that they all have other options should I fail to provide and be this pillar of strength I have been made out to be. What if my strength has faded? What if I need help from the people I have fought and died for all these years? ...silence...
Why am I always alone, when I ever want is the simplest of things? I want the person I love the most back. That is all.
...Endure...
Of course, I will endure, and try harder, and dig deeper, until I find that allotted strength required to make sure everyone can maintain what THEY want. I will endure hell, I will conquer hell, and when it is all said and done, and I have done everything imaginable for everyone. I will be alone, because the answer has been simple this entire time.
I'm not capable of bringing anyone true happiness. The mystery isn't so mysterious. No one will stay with someone who has spent his life running after everyone else and making sure their drink is topped off. They want the guy who took the bottle and left the rest to die of thirst.
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