All's Fair in Love and Insanity

Currently listening to: Demon Hunter's Extremist Album
Currently playing:Final Fantasy XIV

Life has it's ups and it's downs. Everyone experiences these fluctuations in the universe's balance, but one thing is constant. Change and balance. Relationships, art, the river of time stops for no man, continuously flowing until your time to get dragged into the undercurrent comes.

Lately I've noticed a change in myself for better or worse. My patience is waning and my motivation to pursue greatness and better myself is fleeting. Reversely I have more and more inspiration for my music and its to the point I have about a dozen half finished songs. Much behind schedule for where I wanted to be in the Headshot the Hero album, I just had a month off from work, but I wasted my time on video games and arguing with Alison over stupid things. I tried to leave for awhile to get my thoughts in check, but ended up being called back by my work to do menial tasks that ended up costing me more money than what I was making. If you take into consideration the gas I use, the amount of actual work there is to do, and the fact I crushed my cell phone by accident and ended up shelling out $400 bucks just to get a new one. It was a waste of time to come back and a waste of a trip up north. All I did was disappoint my family and stress out Alison.

(Real time edit: I almost dropped my cell in the toilet just now. Would've been pissed.)

After I came back home things seemed different to me, I can't really explain it. I just felt like a guest in my own home. There are times that I don't know where things are, or how certain things are. Like the kitchen, I have no idea where anything goes, my room I have no idea why things change, where my clothes are, the only room I seem to have control over is this recording studio. A good change came about tho. I started eating healthier and I gave up energy drinks and pop except for special events. (Like the UFC tonight I had an energy drink or two) in addition to my better eating habits, Ive been doing more around the house and yard, which has been hard cause Alison wants to do the same things I do, perhaps for the same reason to get away from the house or for some alone time. I gave up trying to compete for odd jobs at home. I went back to work and started doing odd jobs for my boss for pretty good money. Contributing to the bank account again made me feel a bit more useful and got me off the PS4. My terrible idea of buying Final Fantasy XIV kinda backfired all that. I still go to work, but when I'm home I usually play that game and watch Netflix when Alison is around. When shes at work, I play that game and talk to my clan mates on Skype.

Lately tho Ive been irritable, I say stupid things to either attack Alison or diminish her self esteem, and I always tell her to feel good about herself, then in the same breath I cut her down. I've done this in the past to not only her but others, and I have no idea why I do it. I guess when things bother me I say I'm ok with them, cause if I admit the things that bother me, it would make me look like a fucking asshole. There are some things she does that deserve said behavior but for the most part it's unwarranted. It's hard because I don't see Alison as much as I would like to, and when I do see her, she's usually having to get ready for work, and shes irritable in that time frame, and if I try to bug her gently or lighthearted I get told off. If I go hide out til shes done, she pops in says goodbye and shes off for the night, she comes home late, I get up early. I go to work, and the cycle repeats. The part that is disheartening is that particular is the good part of our relationship so to speak. It seems if we have a day off together. We both kinda sit there bored and one or the other finds something to do away from the other. I'm not saying me and Alison are breaking up or we have a shitty relationship, but  we both have been a little distant and not quite ourselves. There are days it dissipates and things are great again. Sometimes short lived, sometimes long lasting.

I feel that I'm terrible at filling that stereotypical boyfriend role. The caring, supportive, go see her parents for dinner, romantic cliche. That's not me anymore. When I was a dumb ass 17 year old kid, yeah I lived for that stuff. I'm older now, and its not that I don't love Alison to do all that stuff for her. It's strange, if I show that tender side of me, I feel...weak. If I give her what she wants, then I feel like I don't hold any power in my relationship and I know all of you will say "But Jaye love isn't about power and all that" for some reason ours is tho. Shes seem to give up on certain things like me going for dinner with her parents (which they do alot even by normal standards) which suits me as the anti-social, stuttering autistic person I am, but makes me feel like a shitty boyfriend, and I feel that I let her down, cause she likes appearances to be upheld for no other reason then to ward off unwanted questions or speculation about her personal life.

Moving to Gainsborough has improved my life, and our relationship, but sometimes I wonder if we are gonna make it in the long run. We don't have plans for marriage and kids cause we both agreed against it for lots of reasons, but this has been a hard 3 years. All couples fight, but I feel that we fight for no other reason then pride sometimes. Our auras rub each other the wrong way and we have both admitted to just wanting to be right and win for the sake of it. That's a bad sign, but maybe I should take the enlightened path more often and just let go of the pride and jealousy, and all the negative emotions that plague my own mind. If I let go of my own emotions than anything else is on her, and I can at least say I did my part. My anger has gotten better too, Ive calmed myself down, I stopped yelling, and Ive explained to Alison that sometimes she puts me in situations that no matter what I do, not only do I lose, but I look like the bad guy, and she has to stop putting me through that. I think she sees it now, and is going to work on it.

On the bright side when things are good, they are perfect. I just need to let that light through into the house a bit more. We aren't perfect for each other, but we deal with each others crazy tendencies and support and love each other through our personal struggles and battles. She's slowly warming up to my problems, and I don't even see her issues anymore. I'd like to think we don't have a stereotypical love like in the movies, but we have a weird and unique version of love that other people would probably see as insanity. It's us and it's not gonna change until the river of time deems it necessary.

Humanity's Dying Speech

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone - if possible - Jew, Gentile - black man - white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness - not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost....

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men - cries out for universal brotherhood - for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world - millions of despairing men, women, and little children - victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. .....

Soldiers! don’t give yourselves to brutes - men who despise you - enslave you - who regiment your lives - tell you what to do - what to think and what to feel! Who drill you - diet you - treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate - the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: “the Kingdom of God is within man” - not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power - the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Then - in the name of democracy - let us use that power - let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world - a decent world that will give men a chance to work - that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfill that promise. They never will!

Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfill that promise! Let us fight to free the world - to do away with national barriers - to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all of man’s happiness. Soldiers! in the name of democracy, let us all unite!

Black Star Studios

Currently listening to: My numerous failed attempts at tracking HTH music.
Currently playing:Assassin's Creed IV, Killzone:Shadow Fall, Warframe

 The room in my house I lovingly refer to as Black Star Studios isn't a super professional looking or equipped recording studio by any means, but as a single person doing a majority of my own recording and writing its more than enough. I have a co-writer for Headshot the Hero in Luke Jay Knight from Near Ruin, he is the bass player for the metalcore band out of the UK. I have numerous friends with general knowledge of recording and tone building in Graydon Johnston (Calgary, AB) and Jeremy Schultz (Cloud Collective, Khapra, Clockwork Studios) I have dozens of musician friends ranging from drummers, bassists, guitarists, opera vocalists, and barbershop vocalists, piano players, metal screamers, and rappers. I have a few YouTube connections that do dubstep, rap, and piano. Basically what Im getting at, is that thru these means I have the potential and opportunity to make all kinds of music and lots of music projects. The only thing really stopping me is, well, me.

My studio has a powerful computer. Equipped with both audio and video editing and recording tools (Reaper, Sony Vegas, Guitar Pro, Riffworks, Gearbox, Reason, POD Farm 2) I have a POD UX2 recording interface box to track live instruments and vocals with. I own 3 six string electric guitars, a 7 string electric guitar an acoustic guitar, and a 4 string bass. I also have a drum machine, a keyboard, a Peavey Triple XXX guitar head with a 4x12 cabinet with slanted top. I own a set of drums, equipped with Tama hardware and Zildjian cymbals. I own a camcorder with numerous tripods for any video projects. I have a YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Deviant Art, any type of social/art network out there, I have my name out there. Im fully capable of writing, recording, editing, and networking my art and music projects.

So why haven't you seen anything from me?

Basically it used to be work was taking up all my life, then my relationship, then video games. I'm finally in a state of mind to get my art back on track. Its been a long time coming and video games have kept me off track for a very long time. My gaming clan has calmed down immensely, and the lack of video games out for both Wii U and PS4 is giving me lots of free time. The real motivation is hearing Near Ruin's new track "Smoke and Mirrors" its been really cool to see how far those guys have come and what they can do with a setup similar to mine. I know what I have written so far is pretty good stuff. Ill be excited and accomplished if I could get the HTH album and brand out there this year. I got a tall order in the singing department, but Ill have to do my best and deal with the criticism as it comes, and it will come. Its been 11 years since I have written and produced an album, the last one being Shock Value's "Small Town Politics" album. Can I get HTH out by the end of 2014? Its been in the works for almost 3 years. Some days I want to just call it quits and abandon the project. Then Luke kicks me in the nuts and tells me to get back at it, and I do. Its embarrassing to be plugging a band that has literally no music available to anyone. It's more reason to finally get on this hardcore and get something produced.

Stay tuned for some music this year. Its on the way. I promise.

New Year's Resolutions 2014

Yes it is that time again people. Another year, another list of resolutions that most people don't keep. Last year mine went pretty good. I did buy a new house, I did fix things with Alison, I did get a new job and make more money, I did clean up my diet in places, and I did put serious effort into working out. So the basic ones aside like diet and exercise, I thought this year Id go a bit harder on myself and see if I can do some new stuff this year. After some thought and consideration I have made my list.

• Stay eating healthy for the most part, and exercise regularly
• Take my dog's health and exercise a bit more seriously this year.
• Produce one song a month for either Headshot the Hero, Black Orpheus or a cover song.
• Complete one game a month on my DS until they are all done.
• Read 3 books
• Work on my new house and yard in the spring/summer
• Put video games on the back burner a bit more this year this includes Wii U, PS4, and Steam
• Put some effort in learning to sing better.
• See my family more this year.
• Watch more movies and TV shows with Alison.
• Bank more money and spend less on things I dont need.
• Re-learn some piano.
• Try to keep my YouTubes and blog updated more frequently.
• Meet more people in this town.


That's pretty much it for 2014, alot of these will be half completed at best, but in the end even half progress on some of these is an improvement, and if I don't complete them, I wont quit altogether.

Lost Cause

Currently listening to: Tech N9ne - Something Else, Trivium - Vengeance
Currently playing: Wind Waker HD, Assassin's Creed IV, Killzone:Shadow Fall, Battlefield 4, Mario 3D World.

First of all it has been a very long time since I updated this blog, don't get me wrong, Ive thought about it, wanted to, but nothing seemed worth putting down in digital ink and paper. In saying that its not that my life has been boring or monotonous, quite the opposite in fact.

Around June I switched careers from rig moving and boom truck apprenticeship, to Drilling Rig Waste Management. Short story of the switch is more money, and I work with one of my best friends so its been pretty great so far. My new boss is probably the best guy Ive ever worked for, he even bought me an iPad for Christmas, that's a pretty expensive gift for someone like me.

In taking a job where I basically doubled my income, I was able to purchase another house in a town close to my old one. Its much bigger, more yard space, and in a million times better shape. Me and Alison took the plunge together, but not after much work and dedication to bettering our relationship. Since we have moved away from Carnduff, and the old house things have magically been less stressful and happier at home. Its a serious win.

Headshot the Hero was close to being axed this year due to lack of dedication, and embarrassment of not having anything out there for 2-3 years of plugging the brand. If it wasn't for Luke Jay Knight from the band Near Ruin I would've given up already. His help co-writing, and support has kept me going. He believes we have something fun and special in the HTH album. So this year, Im really going to try my ass off to produce some quality music, and put video games on the back burner.

This doesn't mean Im abandoning my clan Lost Cause, or my duties as a member and a leader in the group. I love my friends I've met from gaming. Diverse group from Puerto Rico, Canada, USA, Mexico, UK, and even people from Filipino and Cambodian race. Its been a cool ride to talk to these people and get to know them. So many personalities meshing under one banner, its really crazy to see the conversations that take place in the clan chat. I've been less of a voice lately, and in doing so, Ive seen the dedication and loyalty our members have had to the clan. "Lost Cause for life" seems to be the attitude of many of us.

What me and dswiftbr0 started years ago has flourished into a multi-gaming platform clan, multiple games, multiple races co-existing in one place. Both genders. All ages from young as 15 to as old as almost 50. YouTube channel, message board, skype group, logo, I even got a Lost Cause shirt, and some rings. We have dedicated and intelligent members have tons of knowledge and abilities to help the clan get out there and get well known. Even with the amazing skill of some players like Derpy and Symphonia46 we still keep a humble and laid back demeanor, and people who play with our members sometimes comment on them being genuine people and fun to play with. Id hate to be an elitest clan that judges people on their KDR instead of their personality. That will never happen as long as me and the other leaders keep the focus on fun gaming, instead of skilled gaming.

Breaking away from gaming and my gaming friends and circle of people is something I doubt Ill ever truly do. I might be less of a voice in the clan, but Ill always be there. Both in game and out. As long as my personal life continues to be great, and my job is always there, I hope to always have a hand in gaming in some way.

Demons and Regrets

Currently listening to: Woe is Me - Number[s], Swollen Members - Beautiful Death Machine
Currently playing: Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, Black Ops 2, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Scribblenauts Unlimited

Usually I blog with an idea in mind, or some sort of theme or whatever. This time it's just a spur of the moment word dump. Forgive me if I'm unclear, rambling or generally using poor grammar.

With that said, this week Ive been forced into numerous confrontations with people close to me. As much as I admire change and think the world and people should change if they feel the need to, sometimes I just can't see the end result being a positive thing. When it's people close to me I tend to voice my opinion, and I have a demanding voice at times. I was being an unreasonable person, and I felt some emotions I hadn't felt in quite a few years. Anger, Fear, Sorrow.

Now let me elaborate on this for a second. Most people would be telling me feeling emotions are good, and I should open up in that department. Here's the thing. My father to my knowledge til I was almost an adult, I thought was completely devoid of emotion, besides anger. I saw him as supreme strength and rock solid power, no weaknesses, his very existence frightened me. A man that rarely showed anything but a scowl and dished out discipline had to be the way a true strong man was. I grew up thinking that showing tears or excitement was a weakness.

Fast forward to me now. I rarely show any emotions, and its not a tough guy act, or some bullshit attempt at being badass. Its how I am. Takes people some time to see me for what I am.
I don't cry, people die, I don't cry.
I never get overly angry, until recently.
I fear nothing in this world or the next. I'm not afraid of death, curious about the other side, but nothing to fear. No man on this planet scares me after all the fights Ive been in. I don't have fear, until recently.

I'm not particularly proud of my past. Some people would think the things I did sound badass or awesome, but to me they were a means to survive and keep my foolish pride intact. The people I met, the groups I got involved with, none were good ideas, and I regret nothing, but some days I cant help but wonder what would it be like if I hadn't scarred my hands up for a loaf of bread, or became a thief, or learned the dark side of computers and whatnot. If I had given the RIGHT girl my time and effort. If I had found my religion earlier, if I wasn't so obsessed with death, and life, and wasn't angry for things no one can control or change.

I would've been a better son, I would've given back to the younger generation, I would've spent more time with my now deceased elders. I would've walked the righteous path, I would've stayed fighting, and saved my money, I would've stopped drinking and avoided drugs. I would've been more disciplined with my music. I would've continued to seek guidance from an old man in my life that was like a teacher to me. Once again I regret nothing, but sometimes these thoughts like demons come back to me and haunt me, until I can force them out and destroy the thoughts with positive ones.

I won't admit to alot on this blog, since none of my past is anyone's concern, but I will admit this; I have felt such an overpowering rage this week, from a clouded mind, and fueled by fear and panic, that at times I had to physically stop myself from smashing walls, throwing things, and possibly hurting people I love. This was the demon my father fought with, and it was passed down to me. I use techniques and mantras of the Buddhist faith to quickly regain control of my anger. It gets hard, but I haven't done much damage to my life besides alot of yelling and possibly hurting feelings of both them and myself, after such a massive and intense anger, I was filled with sorrow, depression, not regret, but the demon had gained ground. It had broken out of its prison. A prison all of man possesses. Demons we all have. I love my important people, and I wish to be their armor, not their source of fear and pain.

I have been told by numerous people, throughout different phases of my life, that I am intimidating, both in looks and presence, I know how they feel, my father had the same effect on me. I was nicknamed the Demon in Muay Thai, but I just thought it was badass, but people say its what I am. What they feel from me, a disturbing aura. Even if I'm smiling and laughing and the most calm and serene person in the world, its always there and people know it. Even the ones who love me the most say they are afraid of me at the same time. Its hard to hear such things, but it is what it is.

I moved here. To get away from the groups and the drinking and the people I known. To get away from my shame and my past mistakes, to get away from the drugs and alcohol, to cleanse my mind and soul, hard work, and nature. But when the demons are following me here, when they take residence inside my heart and soul and are there for me to battle day in and day out, I wonder how much will power and vitality I have to endure the fight.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that, I had fought hard to change, and I don't like my past self resurfacing making my current self feel like that. I need to re-align my chakras, I need to suppress these demons and imprison them forever, I need to become stronger and a better version of me. If everyone in the world had gone on personal journeys to better themselves in different ways, humanity might have a shot against their eventual demise.

Akuma Blue

Currently listening to: Crown the Empire - The Fallout Album
Currently playing: Black Ops 2, Assassin's Creed 3, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, Epic Mickey 2

Numerous years ago, I met someone. Someone that I never thought would have an impact on my life. When I met him, I didn't think too much of him, he was kinda weird, not like the others like him Ive interacted with for most of my life. He was obedient and not rebellious like the others. Even though with his larger than average physique and intimidating presence he could easily have had his way in most situations. 

Not exactly full of pride, and usually cowered when confronted, he was kinda pathetic in his own way. I suppose I could see the minor appeal in him, but for the most part, he seemed like a lot of work for little payoff, but the fates crossed our paths and I don't test the fate's wisdom, so I took him with me and let him into my life. Also seeing as this was his last chance at existing I was obliged to let him have his chance to leave his mark in this world.

The first night he was in my home he cried all night, needed constant reassurance, and basically I broke down and just let him sleep with me in my room. Took him a few weeks to adjust to his new life, our new life. As time went on, he met plenty of people who grew to love him and accept him for how he was. No one ever judged him and he got plenty of support and affection from friends and family. Slowly but surely the confidence and pride was surfacing.

Years went by, his health balanced between good and moderate, happy-go-lucky and always smiling and enjoying his new carefree life, everything was taken care of for him. I provided anything he could want, and in turn I grew to love him and got attached to him. After awhile he developed a habit to wander off by himself and explore the area around him, curiosity gets the better of any man after awhile. I never worried about this habit, because he always came home and besides being a bit tired, nothing bad ever happened.

One day he did go for a walk, he never came back on his own merit. Unusual for him to miss dinner, I decided to look for him. I found him a few blocks away in an alley, bleeding, unable to walk, and cuts all over his face and one near his eye. The icy blue eye was now stained crimson. He cried and looked at me with desperation. My heart broke. I picked him up and carried him across town, he wasn't light, but I wasn't gonna stop for anything. Brought him home and let him heal the wounds, every time he tried to stand up on his own strength he screamed in pain, it was hard to watch, but there was nothing I could do but watch.

He healed eventually, but he was never the same. I don't know what happened to him, but it had to be traumatizing to him. Not what he came to Canada for. 

Years later I tried to find him a friend or partner he could share his life with and grow to love. His first friend was taken away from him just as quickly as it was given. I felt really bad, but it couldn't be helped. It was what it was. Year or two later another friend was found, she was a weird chick, but something all good men need is a weird girl to balance them out. However throughout the years his health has declined from the accident and his lazy lifestyle made him gain some weight. His eyes changed from icy blue, to bright painful crimson red, to hollow, dead, onyx black. She never cared, but he was unable to really keep up with his younger and more physically fit friend. One day while spending the day with him, I noticed a weird growth/pressure on his chest. 

The doctor finally got the call to look at it. Its possibly a tumor, either fatty or cancerous. The news hit me hard and I became depressed as I feel responsible for his decline in health. I wasn't there for him enough and I let him down. He requires surgery and Ive been working as much as I can to pay for any medical bills that comes his way. Its my obligation and my responsibility to take care of him and provide for him. I fear that even if the surgery is a success, he might lose a piece of who he is.

Since Ive known him he has never picked a fight with me, he has never been mean to me, and he has never talked back to me over anything. He doesn't always listen to me, but that's not unusual for someone like him.
Ive only seen him get mad once, and the dead hollow look in his eyes showed me that their is hidden anger and pain from years before our meeting. I noticed loud, gun-like noises will make him stressed out and tense. I don't know how many years he endured his old life before I met him, or why someone abandoned him and left him to die, but those things don't matter to me anymore. 

Ive cried with him, I've opened up to him, I've endured hard years with him, and at one point in my life he was all I had, and the only thing that kept me going day to day. I refuse to lose him before his time is done in this world, and if I have to endure countless hours of my life to him and go broke to help him I will. This is my resolve, he's more then just a friend to me, more than just family. He's a part of me. He's a kindred spirit, and a soul mate.

He is Akuma Blue, my faithful and loyal companion, he is not just a mere dog to me. He is the other half of me.